hickuphelpline

I hate to break it to you

but i'm a dangerous mess

and that's why I don't break it to you

because i'm not nice all of the time;

I spend long minutes thinking

what I am doing
what if it will hurt somebody

but I really don't know

and some people are hurt just by what I can do and what I am

but not so many.


Being on a downer sucks. I wish I knew what the illnesses I have are.

It would be great if my smile didn't weigh 3lb

but my lips are huge and pouty

and they're heavy.

Obviously, I should do something with the muscles in my face. Silent screams of "a, e, i, o, u" or something else taught to me by television that I can't think of at this moment.


Invisible spots, or blind spots,
in the field
a deceptive and embaressing

and too add to that,
I was told as a child that I can do anything
and I believed for years that inside my head I really could do anything
so it's disheartening to find that,
when I come to a task, especially one involving the written word, I collapse in on myself like the twisting, teloscopic and giant gas cylinders might one day.

I don't have enough close friends.

The ZF crew is so aware of itself, as a group, helped none by our small number. They praise themselves for being MY kind of people, as if I am autistic, or somebody who really needs looking after, or only they have the key to communication with me. THEY COULD NOT BE ANY MORE WRONG. I thought that Ronan their leader was my soulmate. We rolled together everywhere, like the god Janus, each seeing to our particular side of the business (the band). It does cut me deep when I see how much I let him down but I don't want to be in a hip hop crew. Table talk and female companionship make me happy, not the latest beats, the newest uk cuts.

All of the intellectuals live out of the City.


I hate you lot sometimes too. That's what's going on tonight. Me hating you (the 'party' was cancelled).