hettie

i dont know why i'm doing this whole art college thing. i mean really, i'm actually not very good at art. everytime i say it people are always like "shut up loraine you're at eca how can you not be good at art" but really i'm not. life drawing classes and going into the painting studios always makes me feel so down on myself and everytime i do something it never turns out how i want it to and always makes me feel upset. i sit around most of the time daydreaming and thinking about what i want to do yet i can never decide and my head is all over the place and lost. i've said all along that i never really understood why i got in here in the first place but i stand by it. whenever we have a crit no-one ever says anything about my work and i'm starting to wonder when i'm actually going to get kicked out for being so shite at everything. i just want to be good at something for once. you know like really good. i dont want to think about this worry about what i'm going to do with me life. i dont want to be stuck in this shitty shop job for as long as i live and not getting that job has just amde me wonder who the fuck else is going to employ me.

all i seem to do is have a tallent for making all my friends hate me and causing arguments, falling for guys who seem to fuck me up and sitting on the itnernet passing away my life. the itnernet just seems to hold nothing for me just now either. myspace. nothing to reply to. flickr nothing to reply to. hotmail. nothing to reply to. sg. nothing to reply to and i only got here half an hour ago. its still 2 and a half hours to dancing so its pointless me going home.

why is life so fucking shitty? i mean seriously. the only good things that have happened to me recently is discovering that i dont hate my fringe anymore, meeting a cool hairdresser bloke from my myspace (lame) who somehow i maneged to fool i nto thinking that i'm actually really cool who wants to cut my hair for free and oh the douglas gordon exhibition was pretty cool too.

ahh fun times. x