hereticmagpie

What is it about spiders that are so bloody terrifying? You could kill them with your little toe and yet the mere sight of one has you jumping on the nearest chair, wondering if you can wait it out there untill hover boards are invented.

I was eating my breakfast, enjoying a rather rare day off this morning, when i saw not one but two of the eight-legged bastards in the front room. One was your general wall-crawler, the other was so big that i was shoo-ing it out of the way of the TV whenever it passed, just like i do when Mum is hoovering. Unfortunately, my attempt to find a means to rid my house of this evil lead to me losing track of them. What this now means is that i can never use that room again in my life, ever.

I was watching a Sky One programme earlier called Kirsty's Home Videos (in the vein of You've Been Framed, funny-camcorder-clips type programmes.... i was very disappointed!!) and saw a clip that was both hilarious and disgusting in a kind of hilariously disgusting way. It was a typical scene in which a googling baby is having his nappy changed by his mother, and said mother leans forward and blows a raspberry on his tummy, with predictable events following.

It's even worse than you think, though. There was no sudden jolting backwards from the mother, as if propelled by the unstoppable stream of piss suddenly extruding from her son. Instead there was a slow, horror-filled rise, before she turned around and revealed the thick smear of shit on her chin, as debris fell south like an avalanche of excrement, leaving a massive pile-up between her boobs.

She quite literally had a shit cleavage.