heresy2007

I woke up today with that feeling, I left last night the same way...
Haven't felt this in a long time, but one thing is for sure, I have to get off this crazy fucking train before it goes down in a blaze. My glasses aren't rose collored, they're shit stained and see only sadness, lonelieness, and selfishness in almost everyone they gaze upon. People confronting this world with no concept of beauty, or peace, these people see only what the world has to offer them, they stomp on life for their bullshit quick fix.

I miss my lover through circumstance, I miss my partner, the only person I trust is no where to be found. She's there, but she's not it's out of our hands, but it's bringing me down.

An ex once told me "Heresy I worry about you, but not about you, I worry about the people that go with you..."

I think that sums it up. I'm terrified that this reality is so hard it's bringing us down, tearing us apart, and leaving me to confront this world on my own, with my often times disgusting view of humanity. It takes a lot for me to like people, my self preservation out weighs every friendship I've ever had, out weighs my desire to "be nice" to those I don't know. if I see uglieness I confront it in a self destructive blur, I call the world out on it's shit, and it results in people telling me they'll smash my face with a baseball bat or whatever. I just smile and move on, but this battle of life is no fun without her, it's not enjoyable with out an example of beauty to fall back on, to bring me up...

I need to regain control. I need to spend time with the woman I love, with the world of beauty that she has to offer me, with the peaceful substitute from the shit covered glasses that I gaze at the world through. I never thought I would say this about someone but I don't feel complete without her help. Is that dependency? I don't know, and I don't really care actually. All I know is that this reality I find myself in has to change.