hep

Here is a secret: I am a horrible friend. I have no idea why. I have such an intense fear of people. My only truly close close friends are my ex who I live with, and my best friend from high school who I never see. Rarely do I confide in either of these people. I have lots of _friends_. TONS of friends. Some are close friends too, I would venture to say. But I never let people get REALLY close. I am paranoid and distrustful. I am always worried that I think someone is more important to me then I am to them, or I will presume too much apon the relationship and make the other person uncomfortable. I rarely take people very far into my confidence, and I have very few friends who I am on truly intimate terms with where I feel comfortable reveling problems, or worries, or stresses in my life. In fact at this point in my life, I would say none, barring Marc. I can just never seem to make it past this one point where I place a good portion of my trust in a person. The bulk of it is not a lack of trust in the other person, that they would reveal my secrets, but a lack of trust in myself that I have judged our relationship correctly, that I can consign secrets and troubles to someone without them feeling burdened by information they don't care about or don't want to hear.

I crave girlfriends. It seems I am always the one who is an acquiantance, never a friend. Or a friend, but never a close friend. And the few close girl friends I have had in the past few years I have grown distant from or have moved away, or have alienated through some stupid drama. I want girlfriends to go on shopping trips with, that will drop by randomly, that I can call at a moments notice to go out to tea or a movie. To confide in. I feel really alone, like there is this invisible buffer preventing people from getting close to people or vice versa. I try and change things, but then I run into that self-doubt, or I am unable to figure out the key to becoming closer.

There was a group of several girls a few years ago that always did things together, hung out, went to movies, shopping trips. I was never invited. At first I assumed that it was because of lack of proximity, but one of the people lived about an hour from the rest, and this was no obstacle. It wasn't that I was _not_ invited, had I wanted to I could have spoken up and I would have been welcomed, it was just that people never *invited* me. Never asked me to come along, or involved me. Even when I was on irc at the same time, or around in person, no one ever bothered include me, even as they included others.

A good deal of my problem now probably has to do with the fact that I spend so much of my time on the computer, or home with the kids, or with Marc. I probably don't seem very accessible, and I am certainly at a point in my life that most people my age aren't even contemplating yet. I live on the outskirts of where most of my social group is located, my isolation plays a large role, as I seem farther away, more remote, much as the same way that equal distances seem entirely unequal if one way has a bridge involved. Some of it also has to do with growing up and moving alot, having an estranged parental figure whose attention I craved but knew not how to obtain. Now I see and meet people I want to become better friends with and have no idea how to go about doing this. What are the steps one takes? And of course I am actually pretty shy and always feel like "Why would anyone *want* to be close friends with me? What do I really have to offer, to bring to that kind of relationship?"

I didn't used to have this problem. Growing up I had alot of friends, and a few close friends and confidants. But it seems when I made the step to adulthood that I forgot the skills to do so, became more shy and less trusting, or perhaps became less open, or hospitable to this kind of relationship? I am making an effort now to be more friendly, open, try and trust people more. If only I could learn to trust myself, and my instincts and feelings.

<i>edit: This is not a cry for help or attention, this is just something I have been thinking about alot lately. I do not suffer from a lack of friends, or things to do, just a lack of closeness. </i>