Ask Drunken Larry
Edited by Henry Garnes
Due to the popular demand for "Drunken Larry's" advice, I will be posting this twice a week begining next week. All questions mest be e-mailed to me via e-mail, or the contacts button on the left hand side under my profile pic. And they will be read to "Drunken Larry", and will be answered.
Our first question comes from Ayres
Ayres writes : Dear Drunken Larry,
I'm thinking about killing most of the co-workers in my office. What kind of poison do you recommend? Or should I just use a baseball bat?
Drunken Larry writes: Dear Ayres,
I used to sell cars. There was one guy that I worked with that I absolutely hated. He used to scream at me all the time because I was stealing his customers. One day he tripped over a rock while walking up to a car, and that car ran over his right thumb. It had to be amputated. This arrogent bastard had his right toe removed and stitched to his hand to replace the thumb that he would give the thumbs up to his clients when he approved the sale of the vehicle. He has to walk with a cane now on apart of his right toe missing. I invited him, and his big right toe hand over o my wife's house for dinner. He put his hand on the table, and I immediately yelled out, " Hey get your fucking feet off my table!!!". Things work out naturally. You don't need to take matters into your own hands, and physical diformities are far much more desirable than death to people you despise. Trust me. I hear buh recently contracted herpes.
Our next Question comes from "Fred" in Spokane Washington.
Fred writes:
Dear Drunken Larry, My friends ostracize me because I'm a vegetarian. We can never find a resteraunt that we can all accommodate all of our preferences. I don't want to lose the companionship of all of my friends, just because I don't eat meat. What should I do?
Drunken Larry writes:
Out damn standing!!! We have yet another question from another fucking idiot!!! I feel so much better about me wearing diapers. You don't deserve to have a job in the country that I fought so hard for. My daddy was a beef farmer, and my granddaddy was a beef farmer as well. My daddy told me on his dying bed after his third heart attack, "Son you fought for our country's freedom, now you have to preserve our heritage." I'm too old to fight our war against terrorism. I would have been over in Russia with the rest of our troops last week preventing the senseless deaths of those children, and teachers in that school last week. We were there right? Oh no we were'nt. Since I wasn't there I very damn well make sure that I will make sure that our country will be fully stocked with our national treasure. Beef. Beef, and oil. Fuck off you stupid stinking hippy!!!!
Our next question comes from "Bill" in St. Paul Minnesota. Bill writes:
Dear Drunken Larry, I'm a comic. My girlfriend is pissed off because I'm gone all of the time. I told her from the get go that I'm only home two days a week usually. What can I do to get her off of my case?
"Drunken Larry" writes: I cannot believe you wrote me with stupid question. You know the answer, but since garnes buys me a shot of Wild Turkey for every question I answer, I'm going to give you advice, you retarded shit turd.
My first wife knew that I was addicted to opium when I got back from the war. She somehow thought that she could change me once we got married. Wrong!!!! Son a good woman is about as easy to find as a negro bartender in Seattle. Hell when I first met garnes, I thought he was a tall colored leprechaun. Boy was I wrong when he threw me out of that bar. No pot of gold, no negro lucky charms, which I would assume tatse like chicken, he wasn't even wearing green. He kicked the shit out of me. Any way you should just get a hooker. garnes don't kick my ass, I was just telling you what I was thinking when I was drunk.
Edited by Henry Garnes
Due to the popular demand for "Drunken Larry's" advice, I will be posting this twice a week begining next week. All questions mest be e-mailed to me via e-mail, or the contacts button on the left hand side under my profile pic. And they will be read to "Drunken Larry", and will be answered.
Our first question comes from Ayres
Ayres writes : Dear Drunken Larry,
I'm thinking about killing most of the co-workers in my office. What kind of poison do you recommend? Or should I just use a baseball bat?
Drunken Larry writes: Dear Ayres,
I used to sell cars. There was one guy that I worked with that I absolutely hated. He used to scream at me all the time because I was stealing his customers. One day he tripped over a rock while walking up to a car, and that car ran over his right thumb. It had to be amputated. This arrogent bastard had his right toe removed and stitched to his hand to replace the thumb that he would give the thumbs up to his clients when he approved the sale of the vehicle. He has to walk with a cane now on apart of his right toe missing. I invited him, and his big right toe hand over o my wife's house for dinner. He put his hand on the table, and I immediately yelled out, " Hey get your fucking feet off my table!!!". Things work out naturally. You don't need to take matters into your own hands, and physical diformities are far much more desirable than death to people you despise. Trust me. I hear buh recently contracted herpes.
Our next Question comes from "Fred" in Spokane Washington.
Fred writes:
Dear Drunken Larry, My friends ostracize me because I'm a vegetarian. We can never find a resteraunt that we can all accommodate all of our preferences. I don't want to lose the companionship of all of my friends, just because I don't eat meat. What should I do?
Drunken Larry writes:
Out damn standing!!! We have yet another question from another fucking idiot!!! I feel so much better about me wearing diapers. You don't deserve to have a job in the country that I fought so hard for. My daddy was a beef farmer, and my granddaddy was a beef farmer as well. My daddy told me on his dying bed after his third heart attack, "Son you fought for our country's freedom, now you have to preserve our heritage." I'm too old to fight our war against terrorism. I would have been over in Russia with the rest of our troops last week preventing the senseless deaths of those children, and teachers in that school last week. We were there right? Oh no we were'nt. Since I wasn't there I very damn well make sure that I will make sure that our country will be fully stocked with our national treasure. Beef. Beef, and oil. Fuck off you stupid stinking hippy!!!!
Our next question comes from "Bill" in St. Paul Minnesota. Bill writes:
Dear Drunken Larry, I'm a comic. My girlfriend is pissed off because I'm gone all of the time. I told her from the get go that I'm only home two days a week usually. What can I do to get her off of my case?
"Drunken Larry" writes: I cannot believe you wrote me with stupid question. You know the answer, but since garnes buys me a shot of Wild Turkey for every question I answer, I'm going to give you advice, you retarded shit turd.
My first wife knew that I was addicted to opium when I got back from the war. She somehow thought that she could change me once we got married. Wrong!!!! Son a good woman is about as easy to find as a negro bartender in Seattle. Hell when I first met garnes, I thought he was a tall colored leprechaun. Boy was I wrong when he threw me out of that bar. No pot of gold, no negro lucky charms, which I would assume tatse like chicken, he wasn't even wearing green. He kicked the shit out of me. Any way you should just get a hooker. garnes don't kick my ass, I was just telling you what I was thinking when I was drunk.
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(you... crazy little man!)