hemlock170374

My mother suffered a minor stroke yesterday.

She is 65 years old.
My sister called me today and told me.
They have spent almost the entire night in the hospital.
My mother is like me, so, by the time she was herself again,
she asked and signed the papers to leave the hospital.

I talked to her today
and on request of my sister,
I convinced her to go back to the hospital
and have some more tests, to know what happened, to do something about it,
to protect her,
to protect myself and the idea that time never passes
and that I'm still her little child,
instead of being a 33 years old man
and that she is untouchable.

She sounded ok today, maybe a bit weak and tired.
Yesterday, my sister tells me,
wasn't so.

During all the phone conversations I had with them
(they are in Italy, I am in Belgium)
there was always one thing unspoken,
that none had the courage to talk about.
When these episodes begin to happen,
they are bound to happen again.

I don't want to think about it.
As it is,
this is already shaking the foundations of my life
and I am lost enough already.

She listened to me and she will go back to the hospital.
They will run some more tests.
We will know something.
Maybe it's just a pill that she will need to take for the rest of her life
or something equally easy to keep everything under control.

It's not possible to keep under control, though,
the feelings that this brings.
I have always been the cold one,
the strong one.
That's on the outside.
On the inside,
I am very scared...

scared like I have never been.

...

I am praying
and I have not been doing this for quite some time.