hemlock170374

I feel horrible.

It is a phase, I have lived this kind of stuff before
and I have learned that you always survive.
I have also learned that we owe it to ourselves,
as hard and counterintuitive as it may feel,
to protect our feelings and,
if necessary, set boundaries and raise walls
that we never believed we were going to raise.

It is not always against malicious people
that we are raising walls.
More often than not, since real malice is actually rare,
we are inevitably forced to raise walls
against people who hurt us and keep on hurting us
without even realizing it.

The game can be dangerous, when not understood
because some of these people will always look harmless,
harmless enough to make the necessity of raising walls
sound unbelievable and wrong.
This is the way we forget, little by little, ourselves.
Others might not notice
but we have to.
We have to notice what happens and raise those walls
before it's too late.

I know that my feelings are hurt
and they are all the more hurt
because I know that it is impossible to explain
why and how much they are hurt.

So, a lot more often now than when I was younger,
I remember what I must do and I do it,
with tears in my heart
because if no one notices what's going on,
I am the only one who can take care of it
and protect myself.

So a child becomes adult
and loses the weakness and the innocence
that had always prevented him
from raising those walls.

Time will pass
and with time,
those walls will not even be necessary anymore.
The pain will be forgotten
and the skin will be that little more harder
to be ready for more blows like this.

Until then,
I won't get out of these walls
because, frankly,
I don't trust anything out there anymore.