hemera

Life is funny, people are cruel, and inner peace can be fleeting.


My fathers bone cancer(specifically multiple myeloma) has spread to his right arm, lower lumbar spine, and his skull. He pathologically fractured his left arm while sleeping last Friday morning.

Excuse me? How the fuck do you break your arm while sleeping? Well, if all your bones are as swiss cheese like his, I suppose.

Im not ready to lose my dad. He hasnt even watched me graduate college. It doesnt seem fair.

But when ever is life fair, huh?


Im out of work right now. A voluntary but involuntary leave of absence because I cant possibly be nice to assholes and fetch them their ice cold Bud light when Im gonna flip balls and lose it in front of an entire restaurant of people. I tried. I did. I know I should be responsible and worry about paying bills and shit, but right now, it can all kiss my ass.

<3


I had a fascinating sleep last night. Ever heard of lucid dreaming? Well it seems as though my seizures and anticonvulant medications have given me a window of unexpected opportunity to experience something that many people can not.

My nightmares would always start the same way, I would be in my room when someone/something threatened to hurt me and then I would find myself unable to move, scream, or even breathe. I would then realize that I was dreaming and consciously try to wake myself up from it, I always could, be it immediately or within a few minutes.
Last night I recognized the cycle before it had a chance to repeat itself, thus leaving me completely aware of my dream state. I was able to control myself, my movements, other people and things, the imagery, colors, and my feelings within this imagined world. I could see my own neurological connectivity, synapses, and even my own thoughts as they passed from different cortex to lobe and back again. I was convinced that I could communicate with the things humans cant scientifically explain in life, like energies and spirits. I was afraid, I didnt understand what was happening. I didnt want this beautiful environment to turn on me and render me helpless like so many times before, so I thrashed around, spun myself rapidly, tried to move my lips, say something. But I stopped, and let it continue, let the threat of impending doom recede and allowed myself to play with my "reality". I awoke a few minutes later, heart racing.

I can stop my nightmares from occuring.

I can control my own dreams.

I can communicate with my mind as if it is part of something bigger, something I cant understand.

I was on the computer most of the day today, researching and trying to understand dream lucidity between my shifts of taking care of my father with my step mom. I understand why I would always become paralyzed in my dreams now. Something called REM atonia, where your brain renders your muscles useless in order to relax and prepare you for rest, only this occurs before you are completely asleep or after you have already woken up. Specific areas of the brain that are normally deactivated during sleep, such as the dorsolateral prefontal cortex, are activated and the recognition of dreaming occurs. These events can be compared to out of body experiences and astral projection, such as buddhist meditation.



I wonder where my mind will take me tonight...