hemaniscool

So, yeah... I think I might be depressed...

Again.

I've kinda known for a while. I think. I say "I think" because I've never been any good at understanding my own thoughts and emotions so I never really know. I think I think too much.

I've been working on things to help for the last few months. Exercise, quitting smoking etc... But it's still there. I can't ignore the signs. I'm tired all the time, my creativity has almost disappeared, I feel like I could break down and cry at any moment for no reason. I get pissed off by the smallest little things. I'm drinking all the time. Pretty much everyday. Even small things feel like big huge mountains to climb. I wanna update my CV but I've been putting it off and it seems like such a big thing when really it's not.

I'm lonely as hell and want a girlfriend so bad but I know that having that isn't actually going to make me happy. Plus I don't think I'm really in the right frame of mind to be much of a boyfriend to anyone.

I'm trying to understand why I'm going through this again. I mean, I have a pretty nice life. I have great friends, family, a job I don't hate (I don't love it but y'know it's okay), my health. I don't have anything to feel depressed about really. So why am I feeling like this?

I think my 'crush' on a work colleague has probably had something to do with it. It's really knocked my confidence. I stupidly keep hanging on. Her relationship with her boyfriend is always 'on the rocks' and I just feel like I'm waiting for it to end. I'm her go to guy as a shoulder to cry on. I want out of it. I want to not see her for a while, but I don't want to upset her. It's such a stupid thing cos to be honest I think if she was single I don't actually think I'd be interested in her. I always want what I can't have.

Example: I started dating this girl recently. We had a lot of things in common. She was attractive but for some reason I just wasn't really interested. Now she's on a dating website and doing really well with it. Dating guys and having fun. Suddenly I'm thinking about what I've missed out on. She's moved on and NOW I'm interested. What kind of moron am I?

It's like I want to live a miserable life. Something good comes along and I'm not interested. I decide to chase something that I can't have and make myself miserable. It's like I like the drama.

I seem to focus of the aspects of myself that I think people will judge me for. I worry that people are gonna think I'm a loser for working in a bar and not having a proper job. I worry that people will think I'm a loser for living with my folks or for drawing comics etc... I don't know why I do this. I always want to please everyone which I know is ridiculous, yet here I am. Still trying after all these years. Instead of just trying to find what makes me happy and sticking with that. Why do I care so much about what people think of me?

I guess another reason is my current lack of social life. I live and work in a small village. I work weekends. I've had Tuesday and Wednesday off this week, but all my friends are at work. My car's at the garage so I've got nothing to do. I've spent my 2 days off sitting around bored, moping and thinking about whether I'm depressed or not.

The sun's shining outside. It's a beautiful day and here I am feeling sorry for myself. I just wanna go to the pub and get drunk. I don't feel so bad when I'm drunk. But I know that's part of the reason I'm in this situation. I've got into a bad cycle of drinking to feel better but always needing more and more.

So, now that's outta the way what am I gonna do about this?

I can go see the Doc. Medication and counseling are my obvious options I guess. I've done both in the past but I still seem to come back to the same place eventually. Maybe I'm someone that needs to be on some sort of permanent medication. I hope not. But so be it if I am.

I need to man up. I need to get out of this village. Move out of home. I know these things will help. They terrify me. But I know that being scared of something is all the more reason to do it. That's how you gain confidence. Life is hard and it probably always will be but I've got to face my fears head on or I'll just stay stuck in this cycle forever.

I feel like I'm worth so much more but I'm scared to jump into the unknown I been in this situation for so long.

I'm going traveling next month. I'm hoping it'll help me gain some perspective on my life. I'm nervous about going. I haven't been abroad for 15 years. But, hopefully I'll return a new man. With some focus and drive again. If not... well then I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.