hemaniscool

howdy,

thought i'd do a slighty different blog than i usually do.i've been blogging on this site for a lil while now and usually my blogs are generally on the funny side (well, i try to be funny anyway.generally i think i'm just acting like a twat)

but,this one is slighty more serious and 'deep'. oh yeah,i'm a deep guy.i'm kind of like an onion i guess.not cos of the layers.i just smell bad and make people cry. FUNNEEEEEEEE.................i'm an idiot.

ok,so i wanted to talk about my 'black dog'.winston churchill used to call his depression his 'black dog'.my black dog is my anxiety.

i've suffered with anxiety since i was about 16.from social phobia's to agoraphobia.at my lowest point i was a complete recluse.i very rarely left my house or my room.just blocked everything out.i lost contact with friends.luckily the good friends i had came back at my best (which was probably only a couple of years ago) i had a girlfriend (yes,me.i had a girlfriend) and a full-time job.

so now, i'm going through all this shit again.last year my black dog started stalking me again.my confidence has dropped to a pretty low place.i'm struggling to even draw these days.i'm pretty tense most of the time.

last weekend i went to coventry to see some friends i'd met through SG.had a REALLY great time.although at one point i almost puked from an anxiety attack.i've been kinda hard on myself cos 'normal' people can travel across the country and even the world meeting new people and i freaked out just going to coventry for a day.on the other hand it's something i wouldn't even of dreamed of doing a few years ago.

i get frustrated cos i know i need to go one step at a time to get over this shit,but at the same time i just want to be normal.i just want to be able to do things without worrying about the consequences.

i worry about the stupidest things.like when it comes to asking out women (which i don't do very often).part of me worries about being rejected and another part worries about if she says yes then i gotta whole host of other worries to go with that.i'm at a point now where the rejection is less terrifying than the girl saying yes.so i act like a twat to make them dislike me.stupid i know.but,hey i ain't your average shmo

ive had a pretty anxious couple of days.i think i can feel a big change coming in my life.it scares me.it terrifies me.but, what dosn't kill you makes you stronger.....well,apart from getting your legs chopped off or something.i don't think that would make you stronger.it's make you shorter more than likely.....although it would probably make your upper body stronger....i dunno.i'm confusing myself now.

so,i could talk about this shit for ages but i won't.i just feel like SG has my kind of people on it and i really want people to get to know me.the good and the bad.we all got our issues.mine just mean that you have to be pretty interesting if you want me to come out've my hole and meet you.i didn't write this blog for sympathy.just wanted to write it.

my next blog will surely be of the twatness variety.peace out homies.