Nothing like waking up to your ex making you feel more irrelevant. I was already feeling down and then this happens. I blocked her number again. I feel so inadequate. What is the point anymore? I am emotionally detached from practically everyone but her. She is the only one I actually do nice things for. Wax sealed letters, babysitting, gifts, errands, cooking, chauffeuring, crafts, driving to pick her up form anxiety attacks. If I can do these things for a person who understands me and its not enough, then why try with anyone else? I miss having a girl friend. I miss having someone I am excited to talk to. I miss falling asleep on the phone to someone. Ever since she cheated on her boyfriend with me there has been a feeling of irrelevance I have been fighting off. In and of itself its not so bad but then I have no one to turn to and it makes my plight even more obvious. I don't think girls as pretty as her will ever understand what its like to consistently be in my position. She is the person I turn to for most things. I really wish I could sleep and not wake up until everything fixes itself. If someone who knew me cared about me, it wouldnt be so bad. Three people come to mind and one hates me now, one lives too far away, and one is my ex. I dont even want to have sex. Which is ironic because I signed up for FetLife last night. It'll probably be in vain since no one around here is active anyway. I need a girlfriend but I am emotionally ill-prepared for that. It'd take someone putting effort into me and I don't feel like those kinds of girls exist anymore. If they do exist, they're usually naive and trying to buy someone's attention. Plus new people would have to be caught up on so much and that is too much effort. I feel officially alone. We're social creatures. Being alone is a failure.
My new camera batteries don't work so I can't do that and I can't find my clippers. I let someone borrow them but I forget who. So I shaved my face instead of trimming it. I hate how my face looks shaved.
Also, we shared this account for awhile and she read my blog posts. I don't think she will anymore. She said she doesn't need me in her life. I'm too self-centered and frustrating. I am an emotional masochist. I give her ammo when I am down. I beat myself up enough that I am numb so I bait other people into doing it. Being alone isn't so bad when youre always alone, but I use people to mock myself. Surround myself with all these people to jab at myself for being close to none of them.
