So, we broke up on Saturday night. It was awful. I have never felt like this before. I have been physically sick, can't eat anything without it coming back up. I have been shaking, not because I am cold, its because I am so nervous and upset. What is worse about this is that we live together. My stomache is turning, I haven't been sleeping well. Its all just a mess right now.
He doesn't understand how he is making me feel right now. I feel so horrible. I just want to know what I did wrong to make him break up with me. He says he is tired of hurting me and holding me back. He thinks I am not happy with him. Well, he is wrong. I have never been so happy in my life. Everyday, I woke up next to him. That was the best feeling in the world.
We need time apart, that is all. He didn't want us being broken up for good, he just needs to gather his thoughts. He feels empty and emotionless. What happened? Before he started his new job in July, he was happy and caring. Then he met all these people and changed in an instant, he isn't the same person. He changes to who is friends are. When he met all of my friends when we were freshmen in high school, he was a skater kid, the rest of us were "goth" kids. He changed to who we were. I still loved him then. We stopped talking sophmore year because of his girlfriend. She was crazy and kind of jealous. Senior year we started talking again and started dating. I had crush on him since eighth grade.
My love for him is undying, he has given me one of the best years of my life. He told me if he loved something he would set it free. He was talking about me. I can't be free, I am a prisoner of his love. He proposed to me in May and all of it just went down the drain. We decided time apart is the best thing. He needs to get his thoughts together and he is going to live in the living room while I live in my room. We have a third roomate and its nice having her around. She is one of my bestfriends. Last night, he laid down with me one last time for now, and I fell asleep and felt happy. Now, I am going to pretend that he is not around, that he doesn't exsist untill he gets his head on straight. When he is ready, I am ready. I love him, I truly do.
My head is a mess, I can't think straight. I mean, this whole week has been really sucky. The restaurant is going down hill. If we could make it to Valentines Day, we would make it through. Its just getting to that day. My great grandma is dying. She has been wanting to die for two years, she told my dad that at my great grandpa's funeral. I think my dad is going to kill himself because of the restaurant. The one thing I am happy about is that I was blessed with having all my grandparents on my moms side up until two years ago. Two sets of great grand parents, and both sets of my grandparents.
Currently Listening: Nine Inch Nails.
He doesn't understand how he is making me feel right now. I feel so horrible. I just want to know what I did wrong to make him break up with me. He says he is tired of hurting me and holding me back. He thinks I am not happy with him. Well, he is wrong. I have never been so happy in my life. Everyday, I woke up next to him. That was the best feeling in the world.
We need time apart, that is all. He didn't want us being broken up for good, he just needs to gather his thoughts. He feels empty and emotionless. What happened? Before he started his new job in July, he was happy and caring. Then he met all these people and changed in an instant, he isn't the same person. He changes to who is friends are. When he met all of my friends when we were freshmen in high school, he was a skater kid, the rest of us were "goth" kids. He changed to who we were. I still loved him then. We stopped talking sophmore year because of his girlfriend. She was crazy and kind of jealous. Senior year we started talking again and started dating. I had crush on him since eighth grade.
My love for him is undying, he has given me one of the best years of my life. He told me if he loved something he would set it free. He was talking about me. I can't be free, I am a prisoner of his love. He proposed to me in May and all of it just went down the drain. We decided time apart is the best thing. He needs to get his thoughts together and he is going to live in the living room while I live in my room. We have a third roomate and its nice having her around. She is one of my bestfriends. Last night, he laid down with me one last time for now, and I fell asleep and felt happy. Now, I am going to pretend that he is not around, that he doesn't exsist untill he gets his head on straight. When he is ready, I am ready. I love him, I truly do.
My head is a mess, I can't think straight. I mean, this whole week has been really sucky. The restaurant is going down hill. If we could make it to Valentines Day, we would make it through. Its just getting to that day. My great grandma is dying. She has been wanting to die for two years, she told my dad that at my great grandpa's funeral. I think my dad is going to kill himself because of the restaurant. The one thing I am happy about is that I was blessed with having all my grandparents on my moms side up until two years ago. Two sets of great grand parents, and both sets of my grandparents.
Currently Listening: Nine Inch Nails.
XO
It may just be some loner form of thinking that brings it, hell I was the skater punk in school too. I'm just getting over my past relationship, though I didnt know her in school, but I did know her for a year before hand, so I know what it feels like to fall in love.. hard. Not much unlike your b/f, I just.. ended it. Nothing was wrong, I just felt it was out of my hands. Like fate or something. I've grown up a lot, just by being apart from her, like I was.. misguided in my over focus of love over life. I did however, find myself. Redefined myself. A new beginning and rebirth in my heart I couldnt have done if I stayed with her. I would have hurt her in all my self-destructive soul searching. Ya know, I could be way off but maybe hes doing the same, sorting his thoughts, his spirit.
"Times change, people change." Its a mantra I kept repeating to justify my actions, which I often saw as premature, but infact I was wrong in delaying so much, because now I cant go back to her. I waited too long, and honestly love.. no matter how enduring, does indeed have a shelf life. This upcoming Febuary 20th will mark my first year without her. It wasnt long after, I lost my childhood friend to illness. Then, countless dollars to make up for both of these losses, moving home and cremation, my savings depleted. Countless tears and so much loss.. yeah.. I know how it is.
And I know loss comes wave for wave, nonstop and heartless in its action, but take your strength in knowing that through your tears, you will become a stronger person, both mentally and spiritually. Heh.. I'm a libra, I know better then anyone that these things have a balance, and times filled with love and joy will once again find its way to you, to make up for all the tears.
I know you know the song. 'Beside You In Time'.
"Everything is back where it belongs. I will be beside you before long.."
He found his place, his missing peices. He did so alone so he wouldnt hurt her, or hold her back. Now he journeys back to her safety, that is, if she would have him..