hellboundliberal

Insomnia.

Christ!

Its five oclock in the morning.

Glad I dont have to work tomorrow. I hate this not being able to sleep shit. I wish I could just shut my brain off and slip into a coma.

Ive been here for what? Six months now. I should be used to it.

Its my own damn fault. I shouldnt have watched that movie. But how can you say no to a madcap romp about fraternities.

I miss them. Gabe, Fiona, Jody. Even Scott, I know he was a jerk but hes my dad and I love him. I love them all. But I think Ill miss her the most.

I smoke too much.

I didnt ever really have more than a crush on the girl but I cant get her out of my head. The way she sat, the unnatural colors highlights in her hair. The way she would cover her face when she giggled. She was, is so beautiful.

I think Im in love with her. Or at least, in love with the thought of being in love with her. She has ruined me.

Its five thirty. Good thing I dont have to work tmorrow, or the day after.

Im really starting to dislike my job. The people are great, and the pay is alright Im just bored. Really fucking bored. Im bored at home too. Nothing is interesting to me any more. Ive got a stack of comics I havent read yet. Im just too bored.

I need a vacation.

I should go see Scott n Jody n the kiddos. Maybe Id run into her.

I know its kinda sick to have a crush on a girl that has the same name as you. I cant help it. Its not like I popped out of moms and had a list of names to choose from. And besides shes fuckin hot.

BUMP, BUMP, BUMP, BUMP, BUMP, BUMP.

I wish the neighbors wouldnt fuck at weird hours.

Its like that movie Taxi Driver. I am gods lonely man and Im only seventeen.

I feel sorry for Travis.

Its funny how he killed all those people and was considered a hero. Well not funny ha-ha but ironic funny. One mans murderer is another mans hero. Just imagine what wouldve happened if he killed the dude running for president. Pallentine, or whatever his name was.

Speaking of killing off presidential nominees; what happened to Dean? I guess people think he is crazy or something after his loss in Vermont, or one of those shitty little states. I cant remember which one.

People arent used to seeing politicians with that kind of demeanor. But I guess its hard to emote when you have some corporate execs hand up your ass.

I think Itd be funny to see that.

Does that mean Dick Cheney would have his own hand in his ass? Maybe thats why hes had so many heart attacks. Heart failure due to anal blockage.

One more cigarette.

I smoke too much. Ill probably die at thirty.

Ive been to too many funerals. But thats what happens when you grow up around old people.

I lived with my great grandparents until I was ten. Seeing them die was like seeing my parents die. It sucks. It hurts still and it will probably always hurt.

Im the one who put my great grandma into the wall at the church. Her ashes into the wall. I miss being able to walk down the hall and crawl into bed with her. And I miss the smell of her powders and perfumes in the bathroom. And eating pancakes for dinner.

I know I shouldnt cry because thats what old people do. They die.

But it sucks.

Remembering things about dead people who you love is worse than that that person being dead. Because you know there is no way you can see them again.

But you cant forget. Thats a hundred times worse. Not knowing what a person meant to you and what you meant to them.

[Mom yells groggily from the other room]

Shelby.go to bed

Just a second Christ the suns almost up. Hey, your phone rang.

I heard. Its probably work. They can go fuck themselves if they think Im coming in today.

Anyway, maybe why I still think about her is because I dont want to forget what she meant to me.

I cant take this not sleeping shit. Pain in the ass.