hellabella

Not a lot to say right now. I've been in a bad/low place emotionally after several events as of late, and no one has really been here for me. So I've been alone, in silence, doing my damnedest not to cry. It's always there though, ya know? A constant lump in my throat. I don't get depressed so much as down for a few hours, but this is what I am guessing being depressed is like. It's lasted a few days and I just want it gone. I was finishing up Anne Rice's Blackwood Farm last night and when Aunt Queen falls and hits her head and dies immediately, it brought back my grandmother's death to me- falling and hitting her head and dying immediately. I started to sob and then slapped myself (literally) and had to tell myself not to go to that place. I don't do "poor me" very well and if I do do it, I get stuck there. So I do my all to avoid it.

I am at a new low with my body-hatred. I didn't think the emotional side of something I've lived with for over 16 years could get THIS low. It's weird how eating disorders work- I got my period this month (and a few days last month as well) and somehow, in my fucked up little mind, this is a bad thing and I should be embarrassed and ashamed and "work harder". At what? Destroying myself? It seems so. Not to mention this was confirmed last month when I was with a "friend" of mine who immediately quit speaking to me afterward. Just reiterated to myself that I'm huge, disgusting, and I repulse everyone. Myself the most though. It's been a long time since I've wanted to be able to take a sharp assed knife and slice away fat, and do so to somehow live. I'm there again. I don't know what to say to people who worry aside from that I don't have the balls to do that, or anything that could kill me, so don't worry and I'm sorry to you all that I am going through this.

EDIT: Oh, and someone used my Visa and over-drew. My brother is the only person I can figure. He's about to have 2 holes to shit out of.