this is an entry for a member named ninji (whose new profile pic is puurrrrrtyhehe)
i started falling for people who were never going to fall back when i was in 5th grade. for four years, he made me feel unloveable, unwantable, and definately unsexable. Then, my dad died. (hello freud, how's it hanging?) Then another boy freshman year (would cuddle then go back to his gf). Then there was the boy sophomore year - this was probably the most pullingly painful - who would rather go off with people that treated him like shit, shagged him and left him on the floor gasping, than come with a sophie who would take care proper of his heart and beautiful dark hair.
here and there i had flings that would make novels. interesting novels. nothing sticking, though, of course.
then i got shunted into a parallel dimension where i was this 50 year old living in a 17/18 year-old's body, walking around the city with my headphones not even lonely any more. you get used to it, you get so into your own head, man, people don't know HOW YOU CAN GET INTO YOUR OWN HEAD AND WORDS WILL HAVE OPPOSITE MEANINGS AT THE SAME TIME. thoughts loops and spin and there's no one to interrupt the flow so it just keeps spinning up and slowing down, at once. you notice that people make eyes at you, but never approach, not that you'd know what to do if they did.
but fuck that, sure you would.
when you live alone with yourself, you have the company only of your thoughts, and they will go deeper and deeper into the ether the longer the situation remains. and as painful and intense as this is, as much as relief seems neccessary - sometimes i wish i'd been able to have more of it.
alas, right when i'd finally figured out that i was never meant to be truly loveacceptedunderstoodrespected by anyone, i met luff - we moved in together after knowing eachother like 5 minutes.
things can change in a heartbeat, whether you want them to or not.
always enjoy the now, or if it TRULY can't be enjoyed, then make the tough choices.
but sometimes a little alone time is a good thing.
no - alone time is a good thing.
the best piece of advice i have ever received:
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS STANDING STILL.
i started falling for people who were never going to fall back when i was in 5th grade. for four years, he made me feel unloveable, unwantable, and definately unsexable. Then, my dad died. (hello freud, how's it hanging?) Then another boy freshman year (would cuddle then go back to his gf). Then there was the boy sophomore year - this was probably the most pullingly painful - who would rather go off with people that treated him like shit, shagged him and left him on the floor gasping, than come with a sophie who would take care proper of his heart and beautiful dark hair.
here and there i had flings that would make novels. interesting novels. nothing sticking, though, of course.
then i got shunted into a parallel dimension where i was this 50 year old living in a 17/18 year-old's body, walking around the city with my headphones not even lonely any more. you get used to it, you get so into your own head, man, people don't know HOW YOU CAN GET INTO YOUR OWN HEAD AND WORDS WILL HAVE OPPOSITE MEANINGS AT THE SAME TIME. thoughts loops and spin and there's no one to interrupt the flow so it just keeps spinning up and slowing down, at once. you notice that people make eyes at you, but never approach, not that you'd know what to do if they did.
but fuck that, sure you would.
when you live alone with yourself, you have the company only of your thoughts, and they will go deeper and deeper into the ether the longer the situation remains. and as painful and intense as this is, as much as relief seems neccessary - sometimes i wish i'd been able to have more of it.
alas, right when i'd finally figured out that i was never meant to be truly loveacceptedunderstoodrespected by anyone, i met luff - we moved in together after knowing eachother like 5 minutes.
things can change in a heartbeat, whether you want them to or not.
always enjoy the now, or if it TRULY can't be enjoyed, then make the tough choices.
but sometimes a little alone time is a good thing.
no - alone time is a good thing.
the best piece of advice i have ever received:
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS STANDING STILL.
thank you. i will treasure these words for sure. enjoying now NOW.