I often wonder where I'd me if I'd done things differently in the past
If I'd worked harder at school, if I hadn't been so painfully shy throughout my childhood. If' I'd been capable of asking for help when I needed it, If I'd had more, hell if I'd had any, self confidence.
I mean I'm an intelligent guy, the few IQ tests I've taken over the years confirm that. I don't claim to be a genius or anything but I think I'm pretty smart. I just never had the self belief, the faith in myself to use that as well as I could have. The only place I ever felt truly at ease with myself & my surroundings was on the sports field. I was a natural athlete. I played football bot for the school & for another club on the weekends. I competed fro Bristol Athletics Club at long jump, triple jump, 100m & even once the javelin
I had my first anxiety attack (coincidentally, while I was on my way to school one morning) when I was about 13 & suffered them regularly for the next 20 years or so.
The only place I ever felt truly at ease with myself & my surroundings was on the sports field. I was a natural athlete. I played football bot for the school & for another club on the weekends. I competed fro Bristol Athletics Club at long jump, triple jump, 100m & even once the javelin
I went to university with the main aim of trying to force myself out of my shyness & social anxiety. I moved away from home to try & become like everyone else, to try & lead a "normal" life, to be able to function as a normal member of society. Of course it was a good excuse to carry on with my interest in science too
not that I ever planned on working in that field. I just enjoy it.
At first it looked like it was going to work, I made friends, I had fun, but I soon realised that although I had interest in the subject I was studying I didn't have what it took to be a serious student of it. I wasn't disciplined enough & more importantly I didn't have the academic ability it needed. so after 2 years I quit & came back home.
That was a major setback for me as a person.
For a little while I became almost a total recluse. I had no real contact with anyone other than my immediate family.
I finally found a job working with one of my old school friends installing cat5 (computer & telecoms) networks. That was a good time, we got on well, we had fun & the money was good, but the work took us all over the country, it was a lot of traveling, so much in fact that I was often out of the house for 16 hours at a time, My life consisted or getting up, traveling to work, do a full day, traveling home from work where I was usually so tired I'd eat & then go straight to bed, only to repeat the next day.
But I was out of the house, I was living a life, a dull one maybe, but a life it was
But being self employed meant the work wasn't always easy to find. I went to work for a local company doing the same thing. I hated ever second of it & I was almost glad when the failed to replace a major contract that was coming to an end & I got laid off.
By coincidence at that time the convenience store where both my mum & sister worked was looking for somebody.
So I took the job I feared the most, the job where I'd have to deal with people I didn't know constantly. I was terrified at first, truly terrified, I'd be shaking for the entire shift sometimes. But after a while I started to find my feet. I started to come out of my shell finally.
It only took 5 years before I finally found a peace with myself. where I learned to accept my flaws & to try & work around them. There was an amazing sense of calm when I finally reached that point.
I'd only had one relationship in my life up until that point, & that had only lasted a short time. Quite simply I didn't have the ability to be close to anyone.
Part of that calmness was found when I accepted that I may spend my entire life alone.
That sounds depressing but in actual fact it was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. For the forst time in my life I truly accepted who I was. The anxiety I'd struggled with for so long faded away. It will always be with me, I'll never remove it totally, but thats the point. I accepted that it was a part of me.
so whats my point with all this?
We all have flaws. We all have things we don't like about ourselves, things we'd like to improve on, things things that we'd like to deny are parts of us at all.
But those flaws define us just as much as the talents we have.
They are a part of who we are, & no matter how much we may try & fight them without them we wouldn;t be the people we've become.
I look back & think "what if?"
But the things I've done, the problems I've suffered, the mistakes I've made, the happiness I've enjoyed (& I've always been a generally happy person, with a smile on my face
) have made me me.
& I like who I am
I honestly do
I wouldn't change things. Because changing things may not bring me to where I am right now
& where I am right now is a damn good place to be
I have things in my life that I never dreamed I'd have.
I may not have an amazing, well paid, ambitious career. I may not have much in the way of physical possessions
But I do have love.
& that person loves me for who I am, flaw & all
& I love her the same way
for who she is
If I'd worked harder at school, if I hadn't been so painfully shy throughout my childhood. If' I'd been capable of asking for help when I needed it, If I'd had more, hell if I'd had any, self confidence.
I mean I'm an intelligent guy, the few IQ tests I've taken over the years confirm that. I don't claim to be a genius or anything but I think I'm pretty smart. I just never had the self belief, the faith in myself to use that as well as I could have. The only place I ever felt truly at ease with myself & my surroundings was on the sports field. I was a natural athlete. I played football bot for the school & for another club on the weekends. I competed fro Bristol Athletics Club at long jump, triple jump, 100m & even once the javelin
I had my first anxiety attack (coincidentally, while I was on my way to school one morning) when I was about 13 & suffered them regularly for the next 20 years or so.
The only place I ever felt truly at ease with myself & my surroundings was on the sports field. I was a natural athlete. I played football bot for the school & for another club on the weekends. I competed fro Bristol Athletics Club at long jump, triple jump, 100m & even once the javelin
I went to university with the main aim of trying to force myself out of my shyness & social anxiety. I moved away from home to try & become like everyone else, to try & lead a "normal" life, to be able to function as a normal member of society. Of course it was a good excuse to carry on with my interest in science too
not that I ever planned on working in that field. I just enjoy it. At first it looked like it was going to work, I made friends, I had fun, but I soon realised that although I had interest in the subject I was studying I didn't have what it took to be a serious student of it. I wasn't disciplined enough & more importantly I didn't have the academic ability it needed. so after 2 years I quit & came back home.
That was a major setback for me as a person.
For a little while I became almost a total recluse. I had no real contact with anyone other than my immediate family.
I finally found a job working with one of my old school friends installing cat5 (computer & telecoms) networks. That was a good time, we got on well, we had fun & the money was good, but the work took us all over the country, it was a lot of traveling, so much in fact that I was often out of the house for 16 hours at a time, My life consisted or getting up, traveling to work, do a full day, traveling home from work where I was usually so tired I'd eat & then go straight to bed, only to repeat the next day.
But I was out of the house, I was living a life, a dull one maybe, but a life it was
But being self employed meant the work wasn't always easy to find. I went to work for a local company doing the same thing. I hated ever second of it & I was almost glad when the failed to replace a major contract that was coming to an end & I got laid off.
By coincidence at that time the convenience store where both my mum & sister worked was looking for somebody.
So I took the job I feared the most, the job where I'd have to deal with people I didn't know constantly. I was terrified at first, truly terrified, I'd be shaking for the entire shift sometimes. But after a while I started to find my feet. I started to come out of my shell finally.
It only took 5 years before I finally found a peace with myself. where I learned to accept my flaws & to try & work around them. There was an amazing sense of calm when I finally reached that point.
I'd only had one relationship in my life up until that point, & that had only lasted a short time. Quite simply I didn't have the ability to be close to anyone.
Part of that calmness was found when I accepted that I may spend my entire life alone.
That sounds depressing but in actual fact it was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. For the forst time in my life I truly accepted who I was. The anxiety I'd struggled with for so long faded away. It will always be with me, I'll never remove it totally, but thats the point. I accepted that it was a part of me.
so whats my point with all this?
We all have flaws. We all have things we don't like about ourselves, things we'd like to improve on, things things that we'd like to deny are parts of us at all.
But those flaws define us just as much as the talents we have.
They are a part of who we are, & no matter how much we may try & fight them without them we wouldn;t be the people we've become.
I look back & think "what if?"
But the things I've done, the problems I've suffered, the mistakes I've made, the happiness I've enjoyed (& I've always been a generally happy person, with a smile on my face
) have made me me.& I like who I am
I honestly do
I wouldn't change things. Because changing things may not bring me to where I am right now
& where I am right now is a damn good place to be
I have things in my life that I never dreamed I'd have.
I may not have an amazing, well paid, ambitious career. I may not have much in the way of physical possessions
But I do have love.
& that person loves me for who I am, flaw & all
& I love her the same way
for who she is
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No point in second guessing right?