heavenlyfury

"i'll break 1,000 more, baby, before i am through..."


hearts, heads, pickle jars... whatever - if there's a good reason for breaking it, i'm always willing and up for the job. i have been in my fair share of bar fights and of all the men and women in my wake, only one has gotten rid of me before i saw fit (and i'm a better person for it now)... the rest, i mercilessly cut loose as i saw fit, sometimes more than once because i'm sly like that

so i haven't posted anything here for a while because i've been busy... busy moving, busy painting, busy working (sometimes), busy sleeping (mmm, depression, which motivates me while killing my motivation)... i haven't been to class since the first class - i will go this week though - i've called out of work almost everyday for the past two weeks because i've been feeling counter-theraputic and you can't be that when you work in a crisis unit - but i am at work now and it's not against my better judgement

i live in the coolest (work in progress) basement in the world, you all should come see it sometime (pictures will be posted as soon as my masterpiece is complete... really, i swear) - i have many, many things requiring my time lately, but we're nearly there

my co worker/housemate/landlord just got fired... so i guess i can scratch co worker off that list. she informs me that it's "raining men" as if getting into a relationship will make my current situation better or something - this is not so, a relationship will do nothing but stress me out more at this point - i haven't not been in a relationship for far too long at this point and, though it is very, very different for me, i am enjoying the breathing room - anxiety attacks and all

my fundamental problem at this point (as far as being in a relationship goes) is that i am the same person in a relationship as i am out of one, which is fine if you're me, and not as fine if you're in a relationship with me (at least as far as i can tell) - i do not get nicer, tamer, calmer, more rational, less impulsive... my temper does not get better and i do not miss an opportunity to stick my foot in my mouth when properly inspired just because i'm "with" someone - i stay the same old asshole i am constantly becoming, so stop being so fucking disappointed, upset, annoyed, discourage and overwhelmed - you cannot change me, this will only happen when i see that i am wrong or when my m.o. stops giving me the desired results - human all too human, fuck-up, get used to it - it's not your fault, it's mine, because i refuse to change unless i want to... perhaps this is rocket science? no, actually, it's much harder

relationships take lots of work and understanding and compassion - and people are lazy as all hell these days... and if you're in a relationship with me, not only should you not be lazy (or at least not lazier than me, which is plenty of leeway) you should also enjoy drinking to excess, smoking pot and (preferably) have plenty of expendable income - i have this history of dating the chronically unemployed and holy shit am i sick of it...

i was told once, when i was 17, that i would "be a goddess someday" by a guy from arizona who took me out to lunch after we met on a flight from manchester, nh to nashville, tn... i told him i was 19... he wanted to have sex with me, but i said no and we settled on lunch instead... true story and the point...

i want to be treated like the goddess that, if i am not already, i am foretold to be someday... submit an application stating your qualifications and at least three references (two professional, one academic)

my life is strange and i like it that way... i am strange and i like me that way