healthyparanoid

ok - so - no myspace posts for a bit.
there are too many people that i don't want to read it.
well - one person.
you sleep with someone it makes life complicated. very complicated. especially if you like to write about your life as it happens. and well there they are to read it every fucking time. its tiresome - especially if i have something to say that they wouldn't like.
you try to be subtle - say, "hey - we're over" - but no, that doesn't stop them from thinking that "if things were different - maybe".
i mean - she applied to go to school out here - mainly due to that what if.
fuck what if.

but it leads me to the crux of this post: I make bad decisions; often.
frankly its gotten to the point where i truly believe that every decision i've made has been the wrong one.
that's not to say that they've ALL been wrong - but pretty damn close.
Oh - don't get me wrong - I need to fuck up to learn, and i learn off of my fuck-ups.
but still - when you make choices and only can learn through fuck-ups, what happens when your subconscious decides its just going to continually make bad decisions just so that eventually you may learn.
its annoying and taxing.
but what if?

What if i didn't move to portland?
would i still be with my high school girlfriend - unaware to the world - believing the same shit i once did?
or would she decide to pull the plug no matter what?
what if i had stayed with baseball?
would it have been a more fruitful 4 years?
what if i stuck with psychology instead of finding theater?
would it be worth the effort? would i be happier? would i have a worthwhile job at the moment?
what if i hadn't worked out issues through sex and booze?
would i be as wise as i think i am now? or would i actually be wise? would i find myself with in a better mindset?
i ask that last one because i've come to notice that those that i jumped into bed with didn't really work for me.
basically it would seem that every time i fuck someone - the relationship turns toxic.
i'm not sure if its me - or if its how i see women after sex.
or if i'm just second guessing myself.
a lot of one night stands
a lot of almosts
a lot of what-ifs.
a lot of could have beens
it sucks getting that call two years later:
Hey we should hang out.
Uh... I don't live in Portland anymore.
That's a shame. I was hoping we could catch up. I'm sorry things really didn't work out. I really liked you.

Fuck

I mean - what do you do?

But the shame of it all is that i think its me.
I do something - cause something in people that makes them sort of realize i'm toxic (maybe?).
The friends I had in high school - all turned their back on me; figured maybe i was a deadbeat.
I did owe a friend some money. its an excuse - but i owed him because my parents had none to give me, i didn't have a job that paid consistently, it was just enough to get my through the summer to coach baseball - and i racked up a tab.
i figured i'd pay up at the end of the summer. i would have been able to.
how was i suppose to know both my parents would lose their jobs and the money i made had to go to tuition and rent.
it was either pay my friend back or go to school.
unfortunately its a no-brainer.
so they turned their back on me. i almost don't blame them.

i was stupid.

but then this happens.
i graduated.
decided to come home - due to no funds, lack of any job or any place to sleep.
and - well - i had to great friends back home.
it was going to be great.
one year later - i no longer have those friends - or don't think i will.

st patrick's day.
one of the two is irish - so of course we're having a party.
only problem is that the other's roommate is a deuchebag.
he hates people.
even though we asked him if it was okay to have people over - he was not happy.
eventually - the two roommates threw down.
nothing serious - a shoving match - broken up by yours truly.
you'd think the problem would simply be with his roommate - right?

wrong.
see we work for this wonderful company that serves these caffeinated drinks, the world hates, and we have these green smocks (i think you may understand why i won't say the name out of fair of a lawsuit - silly, but no).
and see - well, so does the roommate.
the roommate makes a stink.
there are pictures on facebook of my buddy's face afterward.
and of the party.
and see - well - those in a "management" role are not allowed to congregate with those "below" them.
its true.
even though i was hired because my friend recommended me for the position - at another store no less.
and at the time was not management.
however, now - almost a year later - he is.
and now he is no longer taking my calls - or lying to me.
and you [may] know me - i can be a bit over zealous and melodramatic - but when you have two friends who are practically brothers you can tell when there's something up.

you can tell when somethings up...
same as a married couple - you can read it in the signs.
a breakup's eminent.

see even if i eventually get a job - a real job, one other than this one - and they call me up - and go, hey sorry we were distant while you were still there.
its no good.
i see it this way.
if you really are friends - you'd stand up for injustices.
you wouldn't risk your job - but you'd figure out how your boss will be able to sleep at night while you maintain friendships that are important.
[horseshit statement - i know - but its truth. see its his boss's boss that would fire him i guess if he were to "get caught" hanging out with me. but for fuck's sake].
i'm looking for the next better job - but it's taken a year so far.
not really working so well.
so - what its coming to is a choice between succumbing to a boss's whim - or stand up and make a statement - make something happen.
and doing nothing is not okay by me.
you sit back and do nothing and distance yourself from your friends by choice - and i can't forgive that.

its a betrayal.
and if there's one thing i've learned from all my fuck ups:
"you don't go back to your exs"
"you don't allow yourself to be betrayed"
to me - its unforgivable.