havvoc

Today I am depressed. Dave is going back to Arizona tomorrow, and that makes me sad. Also, I have no FUCKING CLUE what I'm going to do with my life, and that scares the shit out of me. I hate where I am now, which is working 8-9 hours/day making 10.82 an hour doing something I hate. I'm not taking any college classes because I can't afford it, but I'll never be able to afford it until I get a better job. It sucks. I have rent, student loans, etc to pay and I'm working my ass off to pay it, but in the meantime I can't even enjoy my life because I'm so busy all the time. When I am relaxing, I'm worrying about all the things I'm neglecting, which ends up being a lot. I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't even know if I want a career at all. What if I just want to be a stay at home wife/mom? But to do that I'd have to marry, which isn't happening any time soon. Plus, asking one man to support himself and me would be asking a lot in this economic world. I just don't understand why it has to be so hard. What's the point of achieving your goals if you can't even enjoy it? Even if I went back to school and got the most amazing job that I love, eventually I'd learn to hate it, just like everyone else, and then what? I'm not saying it takes too much work, I'm saying it's not worth it. Unless I win the lottery, actually fall in love with and marry someone filthy rich, or somehow become famous enough to have tons of money, I'm doomed to work way too hard and not enjoy the fruits of it. Maybe I'm coming across as lazy, but it's really not about that. I just don't see the point.