"Ladies and gentlemen of the Associated Money Havers Union, it is my distinct pleasure to introduce to you Richard Milhous Nixon."
A low tide of applause as Nixon awkwardly slinks into view from behind a curtain. His dead, jaded eyes scan the audience quickly for enemies. So many enemies. So many enemies everywhere. In desperation, he tries to distract them from his glare by smiling as best as possible. Look at my happy mouth, enemies. Look at my happy mouth. Unsure arms are raised into the air, both hands slowly fighting the arthritis to form perfect V's of victory. The applause dies down. A momentary flash of paranoia. Did they stop clapping because they expect me to talk now or because they're ready to lynch me? So. Many. Enemies.
"Thank you, ladies and gentlemen," Nixon huffs. "It is a distinct honor to be here, etc., etc. Now, as you all know, I am a former president of these United States. Looking out at all of you, current heads of state and oil barons, computer tycoons and pimps of international stature, I recognize a few faces and more than a few wallets." Low, nervous roar of chuckles. "You've all gathered here tonight to hear words of wisdom. But since it's 10:30 in the evening and I have to be at work in the morning and, really, I just don't have any ideas right now, I'm going to instead punch this baby."
Pow!
A low tide of applause as Nixon awkwardly slinks into view from behind a curtain. His dead, jaded eyes scan the audience quickly for enemies. So many enemies. So many enemies everywhere. In desperation, he tries to distract them from his glare by smiling as best as possible. Look at my happy mouth, enemies. Look at my happy mouth. Unsure arms are raised into the air, both hands slowly fighting the arthritis to form perfect V's of victory. The applause dies down. A momentary flash of paranoia. Did they stop clapping because they expect me to talk now or because they're ready to lynch me? So. Many. Enemies.
"Thank you, ladies and gentlemen," Nixon huffs. "It is a distinct honor to be here, etc., etc. Now, as you all know, I am a former president of these United States. Looking out at all of you, current heads of state and oil barons, computer tycoons and pimps of international stature, I recognize a few faces and more than a few wallets." Low, nervous roar of chuckles. "You've all gathered here tonight to hear words of wisdom. But since it's 10:30 in the evening and I have to be at work in the morning and, really, I just don't have any ideas right now, I'm going to instead punch this baby."
Pow!