So here's how my week has gone so far.
On Saturday, I had nothing to do. I was sitting around, sometimes playing "Mark of Kri" for PS2 and sometimes watching History Channel.
Then I got a bright idea: "I's gonna buy me some G.I. Joeses!"
So I go to guru-planet.com. My plan was just to get a few that were on my want list.
Forty minutes later, I'm $600 poorer.
But 47 Joes richer!
And literally a minute after I place the order, DefunctJunk IM's me. We have a brief conversation about the comic convention we're going to the next day.
Then, almost immediately after the end of the conversation, I hop on over to gijoehq.com to check out what new stuff they have.
Twenty minutes and another $200 later, I have another 16 Joes coming to me.
Then I masturbated to naked drawings of Catwoman and took a nap.
The next day, DefunctJunk and I go to the L.A. Sci-Fi and Comic Con. DefunctJunk is, of course, looking maaaaarvelous, as usual!
I went with the intention of trading a few Joes I had extras of for Joes I had nothings of. Unfortunately, no one wanted to trade.
Here's what I learned in the three hours I tried trading: 1.) everybody and their mother has at least three version one Cobra Commanders. 2.) the same applies to the hooded Cobra Commander. 3.) no one gives a flying shit about Big Boa. 4.) a semi-broken Zartan is just as worthless as a variant "paint-splattered disguise" Zartan.
So I had to spend my money on stuff. Here's what I bought.
Three books:
"Lady and the Tramp" in Japanese. - $4
A trade paperback collecting the "Robocop vs. Terminator" mini-series (by Frank Miller!). - $5
A collection of the 1943-44 Batman newspaper strips. - $5
One comic book:
Issue 3 of Blue Monday: Absolute Beginners. - Free with the books.
Three G.I. Joes:
Red Dog with filecard and gun, but wrong backpack. - $10
Royal Guard with filecard and weapons, but no antennae. - $10
Crimson Guard Immortal with all weapons but no filecard, the Funkschool variant. - $12
Eleven old dirty magazines:
Penthouse, September 1991. - $8
Playboy, March 1996. - Free with videos
Playboy, September 1996 (Uma Thurman!). - $5
Playboy, August 1964! - 50 cents!
Playboy, September 1964! - 50 cents!
Playboy, August 1969! - 50 cents!
Playboy, February 1973! - 50 cents!
Playboy, April 1973! - 50 cents!
Playboy, November 1973! - 50 cents!
Playboy, June 1974! - 50 cents!
Playboy, February 1975! - 50 cents!
Playboy, June 1975! - 50 cents!
Playboy, February 1976! - 50 cents!
Playboy, December 1976! - 50 cents!
Playboy, August 1977! - 50 cents!
Playboy, February 1978! - 50 cents!
Playboy, April 1978! - 50 cents!
Playboy, November 1978! - 50 cents!
Playboy, February 1979! - 50 cents!
(And only two of them are in shoddy shape and those two are not even THAT shoddy; the rest are near mint!)
Six videos:
A documentary on the making of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. - $10
Rolling Stones "Cocksucker Blues." - $10
"The Man Who Fell To Earth." - $2.50
"The Invisble Ray," starring Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi - $2.50
The 1978 "Lord of the Rings" cartoon. - $5
And "The Best of...," which is a compilation featuring The Porn Starlet Who Cannot Be Named. - $20
And a sticker for my car window (which can't be seen because the window is tinted too dark
):
"Star Fleet Academy." - $3
Add in parking and admission which was six bucks each and the grand total comes out to a testical-rubbing $132.
BUT WAIT! THE MADNESS DOESN'T STOP THERE!!!
Yesterday, I contacted this guy in Canada to trade G.I. Joes. I wanted to trade a 1992 Eel for Chuckles and Red Dog's backpack (so I'd have a complete Red Dog; damn you, stupid convention bastard!!!).
The only problem was that I didn't actually have the Eel. I'd seen it for sale at a local comic shop, though, so I figured I'd just buy it and then trade it to the guy.
But when I went to get it, it had been sold!
See, there's a strange phenomenon that only occurs with G.I. Joe collectors. For some reason (and often for no reason), every G.I. Joe collector in the world seems to want to the same figure at the same time.
Let me explain further with an example: Take the 1992 Eel. It's a shitty figure. It really is. It comes with cool accessories, though. But it's still a shitty figure and a shitty character that no one cares about. Odds are, if you see it in a store or, really, for sale anywhere, it will be there for a long, long time. I'm talking months. Years, possibly. HOWEVER. When one collector wants it for whatever reason (like I wanted it for a trade), EVERY collector then wants it. It's like we're all part of some 3-and-3/4" hive-mind.
It's for this reason that I can't find a version one Sgt. Slaughter. Or, until yesterday, a Chuckles. Or a Baroness (well, a Baroness that isn't $50...).
I hereby name this phenomenon the "The G.I. Joe Collectors Are All Bastards And I Want To Punch All Their Acne-Ridden Faces Phenomenon."
I can't find my thesaurus. So I couldn't come up with another word for "phenomenon."
So, back to the story. After finding the Eel had been sold, I then went to five different places, looking for the stupid thing. Now, these places aren't all on the same block. They're all a good twenty miles from each other.
But I finally found one! And it was mint-on-card (which, for non-nerd-speaking beings, just means it's still in the box and that the box isn't torn up or anything)!
Also, as I was paying for it, some kid came up to the counter, pointed at the Eel, and asked the employee if he had any more. Which means that if I'd been ten minutes later, he would've gotten it.
TAKE THAT, RANDOM 12-YEAR-OLD!! IN YOUR STUPID FACE!!
The whole episode took up three hours of my life. But, you know what? I don't care. I was happy to do it. It was fun, like being on an adventure. I was on a quest for the rare and elusive and altogether sucky 1992 Eel! And I won against the forces of evil!
Okay, so maybe not. But I did make a 12-year-old kid cry!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!
Okay, so he didn't actually cry. At least not in front of me.
But I like to think that he went home and cried.
I already sent the Eel to the guy. Which cost another $6. But, again, it's worth it.
Unimportant sidenote I just want to share: For the past three days, I've been wearing the same pair of jeans and my Lone Wolf and Cub t-shirt. Yesterday, I wore a red-and-blue-striped sweater. It was totally dork.
All I need to do now is start a flame war on a message board about how Captain Picard is sexier than Captain Kirk. And then I can challenge the King of Nerds for his title.
In the steel cage!
It's taken me a little over an hour to write this. And I have a sandwich from Subway that has been sitting here all this time, waiting to be eaten.
Well, now I eat you, puny sandwich!
R.I.P.
Foot-Long Chicken Sub With Bacon, Jr.
March 18, 2003 12:36 P.M. - March 18, 2003 2:09 P.M.
"Beloved Father and Husband."
!
On Saturday, I had nothing to do. I was sitting around, sometimes playing "Mark of Kri" for PS2 and sometimes watching History Channel.
Then I got a bright idea: "I's gonna buy me some G.I. Joeses!"
So I go to guru-planet.com. My plan was just to get a few that were on my want list.
Forty minutes later, I'm $600 poorer.
But 47 Joes richer!
And literally a minute after I place the order, DefunctJunk IM's me. We have a brief conversation about the comic convention we're going to the next day.
Then, almost immediately after the end of the conversation, I hop on over to gijoehq.com to check out what new stuff they have.
Twenty minutes and another $200 later, I have another 16 Joes coming to me.
Then I masturbated to naked drawings of Catwoman and took a nap.
The next day, DefunctJunk and I go to the L.A. Sci-Fi and Comic Con. DefunctJunk is, of course, looking maaaaarvelous, as usual!
I went with the intention of trading a few Joes I had extras of for Joes I had nothings of. Unfortunately, no one wanted to trade.
Here's what I learned in the three hours I tried trading: 1.) everybody and their mother has at least three version one Cobra Commanders. 2.) the same applies to the hooded Cobra Commander. 3.) no one gives a flying shit about Big Boa. 4.) a semi-broken Zartan is just as worthless as a variant "paint-splattered disguise" Zartan.
So I had to spend my money on stuff. Here's what I bought.
Three books:
"Lady and the Tramp" in Japanese. - $4
A trade paperback collecting the "Robocop vs. Terminator" mini-series (by Frank Miller!). - $5
A collection of the 1943-44 Batman newspaper strips. - $5
One comic book:
Issue 3 of Blue Monday: Absolute Beginners. - Free with the books.
Three G.I. Joes:
Red Dog with filecard and gun, but wrong backpack. - $10
Royal Guard with filecard and weapons, but no antennae. - $10
Crimson Guard Immortal with all weapons but no filecard, the Funkschool variant. - $12
Eleven old dirty magazines:
Penthouse, September 1991. - $8
Playboy, March 1996. - Free with videos
Playboy, September 1996 (Uma Thurman!). - $5
Playboy, August 1964! - 50 cents!
Playboy, September 1964! - 50 cents!
Playboy, August 1969! - 50 cents!
Playboy, February 1973! - 50 cents!
Playboy, April 1973! - 50 cents!
Playboy, November 1973! - 50 cents!
Playboy, June 1974! - 50 cents!
Playboy, February 1975! - 50 cents!
Playboy, June 1975! - 50 cents!
Playboy, February 1976! - 50 cents!
Playboy, December 1976! - 50 cents!
Playboy, August 1977! - 50 cents!
Playboy, February 1978! - 50 cents!
Playboy, April 1978! - 50 cents!
Playboy, November 1978! - 50 cents!
Playboy, February 1979! - 50 cents!
(And only two of them are in shoddy shape and those two are not even THAT shoddy; the rest are near mint!)
Six videos:
A documentary on the making of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. - $10
Rolling Stones "Cocksucker Blues." - $10
"The Man Who Fell To Earth." - $2.50
"The Invisble Ray," starring Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi - $2.50
The 1978 "Lord of the Rings" cartoon. - $5
And "The Best of...," which is a compilation featuring The Porn Starlet Who Cannot Be Named. - $20
And a sticker for my car window (which can't be seen because the window is tinted too dark
):
"Star Fleet Academy." - $3
Add in parking and admission which was six bucks each and the grand total comes out to a testical-rubbing $132.
BUT WAIT! THE MADNESS DOESN'T STOP THERE!!!
Yesterday, I contacted this guy in Canada to trade G.I. Joes. I wanted to trade a 1992 Eel for Chuckles and Red Dog's backpack (so I'd have a complete Red Dog; damn you, stupid convention bastard!!!).
The only problem was that I didn't actually have the Eel. I'd seen it for sale at a local comic shop, though, so I figured I'd just buy it and then trade it to the guy.
But when I went to get it, it had been sold!
See, there's a strange phenomenon that only occurs with G.I. Joe collectors. For some reason (and often for no reason), every G.I. Joe collector in the world seems to want to the same figure at the same time.
Let me explain further with an example: Take the 1992 Eel. It's a shitty figure. It really is. It comes with cool accessories, though. But it's still a shitty figure and a shitty character that no one cares about. Odds are, if you see it in a store or, really, for sale anywhere, it will be there for a long, long time. I'm talking months. Years, possibly. HOWEVER. When one collector wants it for whatever reason (like I wanted it for a trade), EVERY collector then wants it. It's like we're all part of some 3-and-3/4" hive-mind.
It's for this reason that I can't find a version one Sgt. Slaughter. Or, until yesterday, a Chuckles. Or a Baroness (well, a Baroness that isn't $50...).
I hereby name this phenomenon the "The G.I. Joe Collectors Are All Bastards And I Want To Punch All Their Acne-Ridden Faces Phenomenon."
I can't find my thesaurus. So I couldn't come up with another word for "phenomenon."
So, back to the story. After finding the Eel had been sold, I then went to five different places, looking for the stupid thing. Now, these places aren't all on the same block. They're all a good twenty miles from each other.
But I finally found one! And it was mint-on-card (which, for non-nerd-speaking beings, just means it's still in the box and that the box isn't torn up or anything)!
Also, as I was paying for it, some kid came up to the counter, pointed at the Eel, and asked the employee if he had any more. Which means that if I'd been ten minutes later, he would've gotten it.
TAKE THAT, RANDOM 12-YEAR-OLD!! IN YOUR STUPID FACE!!
The whole episode took up three hours of my life. But, you know what? I don't care. I was happy to do it. It was fun, like being on an adventure. I was on a quest for the rare and elusive and altogether sucky 1992 Eel! And I won against the forces of evil!
Okay, so maybe not. But I did make a 12-year-old kid cry!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!
Okay, so he didn't actually cry. At least not in front of me.
But I like to think that he went home and cried.
I already sent the Eel to the guy. Which cost another $6. But, again, it's worth it.
Unimportant sidenote I just want to share: For the past three days, I've been wearing the same pair of jeans and my Lone Wolf and Cub t-shirt. Yesterday, I wore a red-and-blue-striped sweater. It was totally dork.
All I need to do now is start a flame war on a message board about how Captain Picard is sexier than Captain Kirk. And then I can challenge the King of Nerds for his title.
In the steel cage!
It's taken me a little over an hour to write this. And I have a sandwich from Subway that has been sitting here all this time, waiting to be eaten.
Well, now I eat you, puny sandwich!
R.I.P.
Foot-Long Chicken Sub With Bacon, Jr.
March 18, 2003 12:36 P.M. - March 18, 2003 2:09 P.M.
"Beloved Father and Husband."
!VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
you so funny. i like your rants. they keep me entertained. keep lovin your gi joes. dont listen to anyone else. are you really in the land of canucks? i need my passport renewed sos i can go there too. fuck a whole bunch of living in bullyland. me no rikey.
I want to go sledding dammit!