hastwothumbs

Here's a little holiday story I scraped out of my anus.


Merry Christmas, Stephen Hawking

Alan Swine awoke to a loud pounding on the door. He slowly peeled himself off the couch and cursed to himself. After a few minutes of groggy stumbling, he finally reached the door. Before he had the chance to crack the door open, a large man shoved his way inside, knocking Swine down.

The man made his way to the center of the room, either unaware or unconcerned for Swines state. Slowly, with deliberate movements, he turned and faced the fallen Swine.

Your friend, Herman, has been kidnapped by the demons of Tharegarn, the strangers voice thundered. Swine recognized it immediately. We must travel to the Land of Undreamt Dreams and rescue him. The road will be fraught with peril and hardship. But you have

Christ, not you, Swine groaned. His eyes were still adjusting to the light, but Swine saw two more figures enter his home.

Nay, Swine, the original figure, Bicycle the Sorcerer, said. Bicycles voice was loud, too loud for Swines liking. For Bicycle always tried to give himself a sense of importance by raising his voice. He thought it gave his presence the quality of a general in battle. To Swine, it just appeared that Bicycle enjoyed shouting a lot.

Get out of my house, Swine demanded as he stood.

But your friend is in grave peril, Bicycle informed him. He has been kidnapped by

Shut up, Swine interrupted. I heard you the first time. When his eyes finally adjusted to the light, Swine wished they hadnt. Next to Bicycle was a three-foot tall rabbit in a suit of armor and a man with a hand where his head shouldve been. What is this, a convention? What the hell are you two?

The rabbit stepped forward and pounded on his chest. All Draff-fearing creatures call me Whiskers the Fearless, he boasted. Slayer of The Balloon Giant, Conqueror of The Dragon With Only One Name, Leader of Before he could finish, Swine kicked him in the head.

Shut up! Swine yelled. And! Get! Out! Of! My! House!

The man with the hand for a head turned to Bicycle. His hand-head started snapping. Swine watched for a minute, trying to figure out what was happening.

Here now, Swine said to Bicycle. Whats this freak doing?

Hes trying to tell you something, Bicycle stiffened. He communicates through what you humans would call a Morse code. He says that, at this very moment, Herman is being used a lawn mower blade by the demons of

I dont care if theyre using his tongue as toilet paper, Swine interrupted again. I hate Herman. I also hate the Land of Undreamt Dreams. I also hate you. And ten minutes ago, I didnt know these two bastards existed. But now that I do, I hate them, as well. Now get out, blast you!

But but Whiskers stammered. Were were trying

Before he could finish, Swine picked him up by the ears and threw him out the door. Whiskers landed in the bushes with a mighty swish. Swine then turned to the man with the hand for a head. But the man with a hand for a head got the message and ran out of the door as fast as he could. Bicycle was not far behind him.

Swine leaned out the door and shouted And if you ever EVER come back around here, Ill break your spines open." Then, he slammed the door with all his might.

Bicycle, Whiskers, and the man with a hand for a head werent quite sure what to do next. They attempted to discuss their next course of action.

Eventually, the sprinklers turned on and drove them away.