hastwothumbs

"Strange and Crappy Short Story Bonanza" entry number thirteen.

The silence in the room was starting to drive the old man crazy. He had been sitting inside the restaurant for thirty minutes and had only heard his date say half a dozen words at most. Four times she said yes, twice she said no, and she had ordered her food by pointing at the menu and saying this. Other than that, he talked at her and she just nodded or grimaced accordingly.

The rest of the place was empty save for a couple lone figures scattered at the counter. They didnt talk to each other. The waitress and cook rarely left the rear of the kitchen. They just stood there, hugging and whispering, then smiling and kissing, then hugging and whispering. With his hearing aid at full volume he couldnt even hear the incoherent mumbling of their echoes. The place was dead quiet. It was starting to piss the old man off.

So, he cleared his throat. Do you like playing bridge or other card games? His date grimaced. No, huh? Well, I like them. Ever since the war and that was, oh, forty years ago now. You look like you werent even born then. She smiled and looked away. Yeah, youre a young, pretty thing. But, anyway, during the war we only had two things to do: play cards and listen to the radio. Some guys read books, but the most of us were too scared to concentrate for that long. And the radio was a loud luxury. You didnt bring one into the forests. Last thing you wanted was for an enemy platoon to follow your favorite Zeppelin song straight to you. Robert Plant wrote songs to get young men laid, not killed. Some guys took their music religiously. Plenty of fights broke out over one guy disrespecting Lennon or someone, I remember. I was in one, too. One of my buddies thought Stairway To Heaven was too long and he got beat up by three guys from another squad. But me and my boys, we wont allow that. It was a great fight, too. Chairs and bottles broken over heads, guys thrown outta windows, fists being thrown in directions you didnt know existed. A real old style saloon brawl straight outta the John Wayne pictures. You heard of John Wayne before? His date reluctantly nodded. Yeah, heard of him but not really familiar with him. Seems to be a trend with your generation. You dont learn anything if you can get away with reading someone elses notes. Im not usually one to judge or anything, but thats a real shame. Ah, well. No skin off my back and all that. For a moment he watched as his date stared at the eggs she hadnt eaten. Yeah, I never cared for eggs, either. Always been a bacon man, me. Pause. So do you have any hobbies or interests? Painting or writing or something? She grimaced. Nothing? Come on. Gotta have something. I normally dont count watching television a hobby, but Im willing to make an exception here. He smiled at her but she made no response. His smile faded, which seemed to scare her a little. The old man then sighed and unnecessarily scraped a napkin over his mouth. Midway through, he froze and just stared at her. Maybe a little fear will get some kind of reaction, he figured. His plan was to follow fear with gentle kindness, to show her what a nice guy the old man really was. She had nothing to fear from him, after all.

Other than a few quick, frightened glances, she remained completely motionless on her side of the booth. Her breathing was so shallow he was sure she wouldnt give any indication in the off chance she dropped dead on the spot. Then she made her boldest move when she slowly reached for her fork. It was obvious she was keeping an eye on him, despite her best efforts, but he decided not to say anything about it. To his surprise, she began softly stirring up her eggs with her fork. This was the most movement shed made in almost an hour and he was going to relish every second.

He watched for a full twelve minutes as she played with her food. She hesitated slightly and he wondered if she was going to eat finally or stop altogether.

You want ketchup for your eggs? he asked. At the sound of his first word, she had dropped the fork and placed her hands in her lap. Then she grimaced again.

The old man leaned over to her and said, Look. Im a little sick of this. I might as well be talking to my coffee. Do you want to go back now? Is that it? I mean, just tell me and well call it a day. I dont expect you to like me after only two hours together but you can at least show me some damn courtesy and TALK. I dont care about what, either. If I dont know what it is youre talking about, explain it to me. Simple, right? But if you have some problem with me, well cancel our plans, go our separate ways, and Ill find something else to waste my money on. Like donating to retard charities or going to the dentist. Do you even care that I would be having more fun if you were ripping my gums up and telling lame jokes about floss?

Sorry, she murmured.

See, was that so hard, the old man asked. Now tell me, whats wrong. Somethings gotta be bothering you right now. Your dog die?

No, she forced.

Did your dog kill someone? He joked.

I dont have a dog, she stated. Pets arent allowed in the building.

He waited before saying, Are you worried about someone?

Yeah, she said as she brushed her hair from her eyes. Look, youre a nice guy and everything. Youre very sweet and very nice. But you remind me of my grandpa and thats just weird but hes dead so that makes it weirder. I havent been doing this very long and Im not used to stuff like this and, you know, Im just nervous. Okay?

Oh, he nodded. Yeah, this has happened before. A few times, actually. But look, itll be all right. Nothing out of the ordinary is gonna happen. Its not like I have tentacles or like to beat up women. Im a normal guy, same as all the others. Just been around longer, is all. I bet youll look back at this one day and realize you were worrying over nothing.

I guess, she sighed. But if its all the same to you can we just skip all this fake bonding and just go?

You dont wanna get to know me, I wont force you, he said. I could, though. I mean, Im paying for your time, not your services. The more we sit here, the more you earn. The more you earn, the happier Carl will be.

I know, she nodded. But I just I just dont know. I dont wanna go with you, but I really dont wanna let Carl down.

Ive seen him get mad at you girls and its not something I like to think about, he said.

Yeah, she almost whispered. She looked out the window as she spoke. Im sorry if you feel Im a waste of time and money. You just gotta understand, man, Im only sixteen. Ive got nowhere to go but Carls complex and the only people I meet are either assholes or competition. Thats all Im used to. I can handle that. This dinner and a movie and the conversation shit just isnt what I do. Why do you have to be nice, man? Why cant you just fuck me and leave? Thats what normal guys do.

The old man was a little disappointed and it showed on his face. Well, he slowly said. Did you ever stop to consider that I dont have anyone, either?