hastwothumbs

"Strange and Crappy Short Story Bonanza" will probably be putting an emphasis on the crappy during the next week. I'm in the middle of moving, which is pretty draining. Also, I'm not ignoring or snubbing anybody. I'm just being a jerk lately because I'm mad at packing. I don't want to offend anyone in my rage haze, so I'm going to refrain from saying anything. Sorry.

Im going to marry Annie Lennox, declared Pontiff Trek in the midst of his latest bank heist. And there aint one of you bastards is gonna stop me! He then shot the guards dead and buried the rest of the employees in piles of two-dollar bills. The customers were forced to deposit or cash whatever checks they were possessed of because Pontiff Trek wouldnt allow crime to halt capitalism. (He felt the two were synonymous.)

One extremely exciting getaway later (complete with car chase, shoot out, and exploding building), Pontiff Trek spent the rest of the day sitting in a beanbag chair. Sitting down was one of his favorite pastimes. So when his girlfriend, the internet model Babylon Naked, interrupted what had become a rather fruitful session, Pontiff Trek decided that the only proper revenge would be to marry her.

They were married by Pope Stabmaster Grand Pershing the following morning. The reception hit a minor snag when Pope Grand was gunned down by a rival religious organization. But his apprentice, Vice-Pope Liar Honest took the helm and continued the ceremony with grace and skill. Well, he faltered once by pronouncing God as Satan, but everyone was too busy mentally eating the wedding cake to notice.

Pontiff Trek and Babylon Naked-Trek skipped the following ceremony/party in favor of an early honeymoon. The guests were a little miffed by this and took back their gifts to the couple. Human nature took hold and the gift retrieving turned into a riot as people immediately tried to steal gifts they hadnt given. Out of the eighty-six participants, only four survived: Pontiffs uncle Walt, Pontiffs childhood chum Walter, Pontiffs mother Waltina, and Babylon, who had in reality attended the party after switching places with one of her more liberated chums. She figured the veil would trick Pontiff until she could sneak back into place. And if he found out she figured she was comfortable enough to catch whatever diseases her friend possessed. Unlike most people, Babylon enjoyed trips to the hospital because she felt hospitals represented humanitys most powerful left hook in the fight against death.

It turns out that the veil did not, in fact, deceive Pontiff. He knew immediately that his wife was not his wife after she had expressed a desire to eat waffles. For one thing, Babylon hated waffles. For another, Babylon had a different voice. He didnt know who was under the veil, but nonetheless Pontiff played along with the game. He even managed to one-up his opponent by having sex with his wife inside the limousine (to the great delight of all those watching the hidden web cam on hiddenlimosexhappenings.com).
Pontiff and his wife arrived at the airport late and had to run to catch their flight. Babylon, though, was still at the party, listening to Pontiffs uncle tell boring stories about some war hed fought in, so her friend had to play her part for the entire three and a half week vacation. Her friend, though, believed that Pontiff was still under the impression that he was with his wife, so she kept the veil on the entire time. Pontiff didnt mind.

When Pontiff and his wife returned home and exited the aircraft, they were met by airport security. Turned out that Babylon had murdered the story-telling uncle and was now on the lamb (which meant she was on the run [which meant that her lamb was too slow]). Since they figured Pontiff would be returning with her from the honeymoon, they mistakenly arrested the friend in Babylons guise. During the handcuffing, her veil fell off, exposing her face. Since she had been wearing it the entire trip, it had prevented her face from getting tanned. Her face was so white that it blinded the security, the surrounding mob, and Pontiff. The security and mob were instantly blinded while Pontiff suffered blindness only to the area of his eye in charge of breasts.

The police arrived and the situation was resolved without further blindness. Years passed and everyone moved on. The friend got a job as a spotlight in a local rock and roll arena. Babylon escaped to Canada, where she continues to model for a prison fetish site. She never saw Pontiff again, though, as he was so distraught over never being able to see bosoms again that he locked himself in the basement of a strip club. The day following his self-imposed incarceration, the strip clubs owner, unaware of basement Pontiff, sold the place to a concrete manufacturer. The concrete manufacturer renovated the club into a show room for their product, covering the floor with cement and sealing Pontiff in the basement forever.

Pontiff manages to breathe because of a vent and has all the rats he can eat. Over time, his many renditions (and there were MANY of them) of old pirate songs became the stuff of urban legend among the employees. Some say the singing comes from the wailing ghost of Johann Sebastian Bach, who died three thousand miles away from this very spot. Others insist that the singing is a result of the tree branches scraping against the ghost of Johann Sebastian Bach, who died three thousand miles away from this very spot. And still others believe that someone is trapped in the basement, which was built by the ghost of Johann Sebastian Bach, who died three thousand miles away from this very spot.