"Strange and Crappy Short Story Bonanza" entry number ten.
Time and Space were playing chess when Velocity unexpectedly showed up. Drunk out of its mind, Velocity wanted to join the game. However, since chess does not favor those with more than one friend, Velocity had to wait until the current game was concluded, whereupon he would challenge the winner.
So Velocity sat on the couch and watched Monday night sports, trying to find a hockey game among the many football matches. Velocity pressed the up channel button eight Times before stumbling upon a ping-pong tournament. Its a little known fact that Velocity is an avid ping-pong enthusiast, so this pleased Velocity greatly.
The first match (or, to be clearer, the first match Velocity watched; the match was actually well into the semi-finals) pitted Cerebus The Drunken Sailor against Phyla Thomas Wendy. Cerebus served a pitiful right-handed shot to the left. Phyla countered with a stunning backhand. Cerebus responded with a textbook slam. Phyla used his signature reverse backhand, which almost defeated Cerebus. Cerebus barely managed to knock off a diving high-shot. Cerebus was too slow to recover and Phyla took advantage of Cerebus new horizontal state by tapping the ball softly over the net. Cerebus was defeated!
Velocity started yelling at the television that Phylas last shot was an illegal move. Several curses later, Velocity then threatened to smash the television and began holding the nearest radio in a menacing fashion. The television panicked and bribed the referee to alter the match decision. The referee, in desperate need of a new episode of Friends, was easily persuaded. So Cerebus moved on to the finals.
Just as the finals were beginning, an earthquake shook the house violently. The quake lasted mere seconds, but Time and Spaces chess game was ruined. Some, if not most, of the pieces had fallen off the table during the event. Luckily, they all landed in upright positions, refusing to let a simple force of nature defeat their years of good posture.
Space, being good-natured and easy to get along with, suggested that they continue the game on the floor. But Time, an uptight stickler for the rules, felt that such an act would disgrace the memory of such great chess winners as Vordant Smith, Creble Stanislov, and Florida Miami. Neither wanted to begin a brand new game, however, because they knew how impatient Velocity was and how violent Velocitys temper could get. And since there was no winner Velocity couldnt in good conscience play against either of them.
So Time and Space had a dilemma. They snuck into the kitchen so as not to alarm Velocity to the trouble. After several days of pondering and failing to solve the situation, they called their friend Math, who they often relied on to resolve their disputes.
A brief explanation later and Math told them to let Velocity play the next game. Time and Space would then draw straws and the longer straw would determine who would challenge the winner of Velocitys game. This was a satisfactory solution to Time and Space, so, after promising that they would mow Maths yard for a week, they rushed off to the living room to enact the plan.
To their horror they discovered that, during the earthquake, the ceiling had collapsed and crushed Velocity to death. They realized that this was why Velocity hadnt investigated their weeklong disappearance. Both had assumed Velocity was simply drunk. A lot. For the whole week. It wouldnt have been the first time, after all.
Time and Space were playing chess when Velocity unexpectedly showed up. Drunk out of its mind, Velocity wanted to join the game. However, since chess does not favor those with more than one friend, Velocity had to wait until the current game was concluded, whereupon he would challenge the winner.
So Velocity sat on the couch and watched Monday night sports, trying to find a hockey game among the many football matches. Velocity pressed the up channel button eight Times before stumbling upon a ping-pong tournament. Its a little known fact that Velocity is an avid ping-pong enthusiast, so this pleased Velocity greatly.
The first match (or, to be clearer, the first match Velocity watched; the match was actually well into the semi-finals) pitted Cerebus The Drunken Sailor against Phyla Thomas Wendy. Cerebus served a pitiful right-handed shot to the left. Phyla countered with a stunning backhand. Cerebus responded with a textbook slam. Phyla used his signature reverse backhand, which almost defeated Cerebus. Cerebus barely managed to knock off a diving high-shot. Cerebus was too slow to recover and Phyla took advantage of Cerebus new horizontal state by tapping the ball softly over the net. Cerebus was defeated!
Velocity started yelling at the television that Phylas last shot was an illegal move. Several curses later, Velocity then threatened to smash the television and began holding the nearest radio in a menacing fashion. The television panicked and bribed the referee to alter the match decision. The referee, in desperate need of a new episode of Friends, was easily persuaded. So Cerebus moved on to the finals.
Just as the finals were beginning, an earthquake shook the house violently. The quake lasted mere seconds, but Time and Spaces chess game was ruined. Some, if not most, of the pieces had fallen off the table during the event. Luckily, they all landed in upright positions, refusing to let a simple force of nature defeat their years of good posture.
Space, being good-natured and easy to get along with, suggested that they continue the game on the floor. But Time, an uptight stickler for the rules, felt that such an act would disgrace the memory of such great chess winners as Vordant Smith, Creble Stanislov, and Florida Miami. Neither wanted to begin a brand new game, however, because they knew how impatient Velocity was and how violent Velocitys temper could get. And since there was no winner Velocity couldnt in good conscience play against either of them.
So Time and Space had a dilemma. They snuck into the kitchen so as not to alarm Velocity to the trouble. After several days of pondering and failing to solve the situation, they called their friend Math, who they often relied on to resolve their disputes.
A brief explanation later and Math told them to let Velocity play the next game. Time and Space would then draw straws and the longer straw would determine who would challenge the winner of Velocitys game. This was a satisfactory solution to Time and Space, so, after promising that they would mow Maths yard for a week, they rushed off to the living room to enact the plan.
To their horror they discovered that, during the earthquake, the ceiling had collapsed and crushed Velocity to death. They realized that this was why Velocity hadnt investigated their weeklong disappearance. Both had assumed Velocity was simply drunk. A lot. For the whole week. It wouldnt have been the first time, after all.
tinfoilhalo:
Yep . That's what you get for watching ping-pong . 