hastwothumbs

I've decided to continue doing "Strange and Crappy Short Story Week." But now it's "Strange and Crappy Short Story Bonanza." Same deal: a free form story each day. The only difference is that SCSSB wants to eat your brains.

Volcano Joe was an actual volcano. He used to be called Timeohotep and worshipped as a god of war by a primitive tribe of hunter/gatherers. It wasnt a bad existence. The view was great he could see all the ocean anyone could ever want to see. And getting virgins thrown in your mouth from time to time wasnt exactly a BAD thing, even if he much preferred banana cakes. But life as a volcano was just boring to him. All day, every day, he would sit there and do some sitting. Every time he tried to ask the village for entertainment or company (and he asked as politely as possible, he made sure), he seemed to accidentally burn the surrounding island down. Then he would wait for the trees to grow back and the people to stop throwing virgins into his mouth. But, that was the key verb in his life: wait.

So one day Volcano Joe was listening to the ocean. The ocean, whose name is Gordon, is constantly on the go. Look at me, shouted Gordon; Im hitting this sand over here. Now Im spinning around really fast. No, wait, now I want to reach really high and grab that volcano. Too late did Volcano Joe realize that Gordon meant him. So Gordon reached almost to the sky and covered Volcano Joe in his arms.

Volcano Joe and his entire island were now underneath Gordon. And Volcano Joe couldnt breathe! The flames in his belly were put out and the dirt on his body became muddy and gross.

So this is what its like to dying, thought Volcano Joe, who, being a volcano, hadnt properly learned how to use verbs. A slow, cold metamorphosis from volcano to underwater hole.

Gordon quickly felt guilty about what hed done to Volcano Joe. He spent the next nine years trying to form the greatest, most sincere apology ever. But when he was finally ready to deliver said greatest apology ever he got nervous and tongue-tied. So the greatest apology ever became the dullest, most adequate apology ever: Sorry about that. Please stop being mad.

Volcano Joe had a kind heart, so he forgave Gordon. After a while, they became good friends. Such good friend, in fact, that the sky, a woman named Gertrude, became jealous. So she seduced Gordon. She then intercepted Volcano Joes phone calls, telling Volcano Joe that Gordon was not home. She also talked Gordon into staying home when he was supposed to go drinking with Volcano Joe. More and more, Gertrude separated Gordon and Volcano Joe.

Finally, Volcano Joe had had enough. So he traveled west, like all great travelers travel.

It wasnt long until he reached Santa Fe, New-Knighted States of Mexico. After such a long journey, Volcano Joe had run out of money and couldnt afford a meal. So he hired on to a promising restaurant called Eat Em Ups, where he tended bar. So good was he at spotting a fake identification card and mixing a fancy umbrella drink that Eat Em Ups made him Senior Bartender in Charge of Money.

Volcano Joe was happy with his new job and a new apartment he rented from an elderly man with bad hearing and a heart of gold. Volcano Joe also performed in the local theatre troupe, performing free plays for the homeless. And he developed a crush on one of the waitresses, Francis, a short redhead who thought it was funny to wear an eye patch.

Things were great for Volcano Joe. Until, one day, Gordon showed up at Eat Em Ups, high out of his mind and trying to grift money from Volcano Joe. But Volcano Joe was no sucked, so he kicked Gordon in the junk and ran away. He didnt go far, just to the kitchen. Gordon, not knowing he wasnt allowed in the kitchen, followed Volcano Joe. This angered many of the chefs, who took the law into their hands and beat Gordon up. Gordon was later arrested for disturbing the peace (a misdemeanor) and throwing pies in a non-comedic atmosphere (a felony).

With Gordon in rehab, Volcano Joe only needed one more piece of revenge against Gertrude to make his life complete. He thought for three years about what that revenge would be. Finally, Francis became fed up with the nonsense and told him that the best revenge is no revenge at all. This really struck a chord with Volcano Joe.

So, the next day, Volcano Joe bought the biggest piece of canvas he could find. On one side he wrote, Volcano Joe decrees that the sky causes cancer, is the sole origin of evil, and invented the buddy cop comedy. He held this up, face down, so that his canvas blocked out the sky. The people of the world rejoiced at having been freed of the skys tyranny. The entire human race named Volcano Joe the first official Cool Pope Of Alcohol With Presidency In Justice and gave him some money. Francis married him and bore two of his three children. And Eat Em Ups made him employee of the month for almost seven straight months.

But a lot of people wonder how Volcano Joes revenge didnt seem like revenge at all. Well, rumor has it that Volcano Joe painted something on the back of the canvas, where no one but the sky could read it. Debate rages over what the message is, even to this day. But take it from someone who knows: Volcano Joe is a smart fellow and he knew who he was messing with. The message on the back simply reads, You look pretty today, Gertrude.