A few more stories from the workplace just to prove that I'm not, if fact, dead.
The store I was in was empty and I was standing around, watching everybody work. There were several new people (and by new I mean it was their first or seconds day) so they were trying to make a good impression by deligently working hard. So of course I took this as a perfect opportunity to stand around.
So then the lead of the department walks by with a garbage bag full of merchandise over her shoulder. I ask her, "Is that your magic Christmas bag?"
I forget how the conversation went from there but it was about Christmas, mostly. Then she says, "I wish I had a magic wand to turn my car into something nicer."
"And I wish I had a disintegrator ray to keep this place empty."
As soon as I said that one of the new hires walks around the corner. I made the gun hand gesture, pointed it at her, and yelled, "ZAP!"
She immediately turned and walked away.
There's one store where nobody goes. It's at the bottom of the park, at the end of a good twenty minute walk through fuck all with the only way out being to turn around and go the way you just came. So not only do people not go there but the people that do go don't want to carry stuff on the journey back. Which means my day consists of a lot of standing around.
However, in the store is a log where the clerk of the day writes about what happened during the day. It's normally junk like "very slow, closed early" or "please stock film tomorrow." And then there's what I write in it:
"Afternoons are slow but the mornings are packed. The overnight camp was the best thing to happen to this place. Even if all I do is peddle sugary confections to filthy children."
"Customers don't like being hot and feel it necessary to complain. As if it's hot because I personally turned the heater on or something. The swine."
On the fourth of July I put a post-it note that read, "CANADA WUZ HERE (we didn't want to mess up your book so please leave this here. thanks, -canada)
Whenever I can't think of anything to write I usually draw rhinos in various states of attack.
Did you know there are penguins that live in Africa? It's true.
Although apparently this isn't common knowledge. See, a customer was talking about penguins with his son when I brought this fact up. (Yes, randomly. I wasn't even part of the conversation.)
"No way," the customer guffaws.
"It's true. They live in South Africa."
"You're putting me on. There's no way this is true."
"No, really. I read about it in the Audobon's Field Guide to Africa while standing around here one day."
"Oh, yeah?" By now he's getting kind of mad because he really thinks I'm making fun of him. "Show me this book."
"Well, uh, we don't have it any more." Which was true. It had sold out.
"Then what are these penguins called?"
"Jackass penguins."
He grabbed his kid and stormed out of the store.
Here's part of the reason no one talks to me anymore. Most of the registers are grouped in twos, which means I spend a fair amount of time ignoring whomever is next to me. But sometimes I have an off day and will be friendly. It usually leads to the person asking if I want to hang out with him/her and his/her friends later. To which I almost always reply, "Gosh, you know, I would but I'm an asshole."
They never know what to say and it's ALWAYS hilarious.
The store I was in was empty and I was standing around, watching everybody work. There were several new people (and by new I mean it was their first or seconds day) so they were trying to make a good impression by deligently working hard. So of course I took this as a perfect opportunity to stand around.
So then the lead of the department walks by with a garbage bag full of merchandise over her shoulder. I ask her, "Is that your magic Christmas bag?"
I forget how the conversation went from there but it was about Christmas, mostly. Then she says, "I wish I had a magic wand to turn my car into something nicer."
"And I wish I had a disintegrator ray to keep this place empty."
As soon as I said that one of the new hires walks around the corner. I made the gun hand gesture, pointed it at her, and yelled, "ZAP!"
She immediately turned and walked away.
There's one store where nobody goes. It's at the bottom of the park, at the end of a good twenty minute walk through fuck all with the only way out being to turn around and go the way you just came. So not only do people not go there but the people that do go don't want to carry stuff on the journey back. Which means my day consists of a lot of standing around.
However, in the store is a log where the clerk of the day writes about what happened during the day. It's normally junk like "very slow, closed early" or "please stock film tomorrow." And then there's what I write in it:
"Afternoons are slow but the mornings are packed. The overnight camp was the best thing to happen to this place. Even if all I do is peddle sugary confections to filthy children."
"Customers don't like being hot and feel it necessary to complain. As if it's hot because I personally turned the heater on or something. The swine."
On the fourth of July I put a post-it note that read, "CANADA WUZ HERE (we didn't want to mess up your book so please leave this here. thanks, -canada)
Whenever I can't think of anything to write I usually draw rhinos in various states of attack.
Did you know there are penguins that live in Africa? It's true.
Although apparently this isn't common knowledge. See, a customer was talking about penguins with his son when I brought this fact up. (Yes, randomly. I wasn't even part of the conversation.)
"No way," the customer guffaws.
"It's true. They live in South Africa."
"You're putting me on. There's no way this is true."
"No, really. I read about it in the Audobon's Field Guide to Africa while standing around here one day."
"Oh, yeah?" By now he's getting kind of mad because he really thinks I'm making fun of him. "Show me this book."
"Well, uh, we don't have it any more." Which was true. It had sold out.
"Then what are these penguins called?"
"Jackass penguins."
He grabbed his kid and stormed out of the store.
Here's part of the reason no one talks to me anymore. Most of the registers are grouped in twos, which means I spend a fair amount of time ignoring whomever is next to me. But sometimes I have an off day and will be friendly. It usually leads to the person asking if I want to hang out with him/her and his/her friends later. To which I almost always reply, "Gosh, you know, I would but I'm an asshole."
They never know what to say and it's ALWAYS hilarious.
P.S. I was