haskalmighty

When i was one, i was just begun.
When i was two, i was nearly new.
When i was three, i was hardly me.
When i was four, i was not much more.
When i was five, i was just alive.
But now that i'm six, i'm as clever as clever.
I think i'll stay six now for ever and ever.

So i went to work last night; i had the night off, but i had some reading to do, and i A) have this tendency to fall asleep reading at home, and B) wanted to see the hot girl that nightly frequents the place, if at all possible. So, predictably, she came in after a couple hours, and after her preliminary socializing with the other graveyard regulars, she came and sat with me for the remainder of the night. I suppose what impresses me most is, she has had some pretty awful experiences, and of all my acquaintances seems to have the most right to cynicism; yet she is furthest from it.

I could laud the praises of this girl for at least another 5 or 6 paragraphs, but there's really no point. The point is i'm pretty infatuated with this lady, and the other point is i managed to secure a date.

The idea was posited in the course of our conversation that loving another person must follow loving oneself, and that this is an acquired mode. It follows, then, that there is a certain Readiness in general which ought to be attained prior to actively pursuing this sort of relationship. In which case i should like to say i think myself Ready, finally, after many long years of decided Unreadiness. And some of this is, perhaps, supported by my (mostly voluntary) celibacy for the past two years, or by my newly acquired hunger to finish school and not be a Loser; however, i have this enormous nagging feeling that really, i've felt this way in the past, that is to say, Ready, and in retrospect i really wasn't Ready at all. It leads me to believe that for the most part, in my dialogues with myself, i am pretty Full of Shit.

I AM glad, on the other hand, that HG is thinking some of the same things, that she is devoted to pursuing her own dreams and is loathe to chase after love for love's sake. I would prefer, and she seems to be of like opinion, to pursue a relationship as a complement to life rather than a replacement.

To this end, i am resolved to stay home tonight, though i know she will certainly be there. Moderation, right? Besides, now that our feelings are made somewhat more evident, there's no particular rush to make sure i'm not discounted as Not Interested. My worst fears have proved wholly unwarranted, and in retrospect, the real problem would not have been a mere circumstantial overlookment, but a fundamental difference in values, which no action on my part would have availed.

I'm quite happy, in any case. I've managed to be pretty creepy in the past, meeting girls, whether by fear or rashness or what-have-you, but i think in this case i'm handling things quite well and naturally so far. If i believed in fate i'd be pretty grateful.