haskalmighty

So.

I have a 'final project' due in 14 hours, and i still haven't slept. So we're down to 7 hours. I have, as i figure, about 5 hours of work left on it, give or take. Now, whether i finish this project or not, i have an 'A' in the class; no question. And i feel like i'm at something of a crossroads in my life. There's some background there, but it's a long story. So.

Classically, i wouldn't make the effort. The meat of the project is finished, i find the remainder tedious and, moreover, pointless, and it really doesn't make any difference in the long run, right? But i think, at this point, the difference is, i don't know what, je nai se qua (sp sp sp sp), the difference between mediocrity and excellence. Maybe there's some spirituality in it for me.

So two years ago on Mother's Day i found jesus (nice segue), and then 2 days later i dumped this chick because of it. It was our 1 year anniversary together. At the time it didn't matter, it was this really great thing i had. I'm not sure i regret it now. But it's behind me, finito. And i really feel shitty about the chick, from time to time. She didn't deserve that.

I know this girl at work, well lots of course, but anyway. She's really nice to me all the time, compliments me on my hair, which by the way ought to look damn good with the $15 hair paste it's getting; she compliments me on other things (no NOT my cock, Coliwali); and she overtly expresses excitement at the prospect of working the same shift with me. I'm not really sure how to take it, to be honest. And there's about a billion things running through my head on the matter, but the main ones are she's really a great gal, she's a hard worker and she's compassionate and she knows what she wants and she has some ideas on how to get there, and she's beautiful; so there's that; also there's no possible way, in the circumstance that she is 'interested' in me (pardon the junior-high jargon), there is no _possible_ way that i can attend to a girlfriend _at this juncture_; there's that; and also there's this nagging that really i have no clue what i want from a girl, or perhaps myself for that matter; which i think entirely backs up point B (pardon the posthumous nomenclature).

Have you seen Great Teacher Onizuka? Brilliant series, in any case. Anime. Normally, i'm not a big fan. Everything about it in this case works, though. Onizuka is this 22-year-old guy that becomes a teacher to basically ogle young girls, but he turns out to be this amazing teacher who always comes out on top, blah blah blah...great series, no lie. Anyway, i liked one of the lines: broken hearts make you stronger. Now, i don't think that's always true, but i think it's always been true for me, and i wonder why, then, i am so terrified of the prospect of a love life. It would seem that the whole game is a win-win situation. Do i eschew love because it's so time consuming? Do i believe there are more important things in life? Of course, but i also believe we're just a mass of proteins walking around, self-replicating...it doesn't stop me from hoping, dreaming, feeling, blah blah blah. If i really think meaning is just a mask for hopelessness, why bother? Does the meaninglessness become my meaning? Am i taking up the banner of nonparticipation? The smartest, the wisest guys i know are not cynics. Simply put, i don't know. I don't even know what exactly i don't know. I have a habit of looking for the answer before the question. I don't know the question. I don't know what kind of punctuation is used in the question. I don't know why i'm still typing this paragraph. It's a long paragraph, don't you think? Keeps getting longer. And longer. Like some wierd reverse Xeno's law. . .

So there's also this thing about teaching, right. But that's another story. And by the way, it is not because of a silly anime about a 22-year-old pervert.