Its been a long time. far too long. Yet a day doesnt go by that i dont think of this.
" I saw her today. Almost a year and a half later and there she is ten feet away facing me eating a slice of pizza. It was just as hard as i imagined it to be. To look at her face and itemize all of my mistakes. To hear her voice and retrace all of my selfish actions. To remember the way it felt to kiss her lips and how my heart would race but not like it was racing now. No it was a different feeling like something big was about to happen. someone was about to cause a scene. At any moment she was going to stand up, walk over and slap me across the face. then the whole food court would fall silent and wait for me to respond. "I'm sorry that i wasn't the man you needed and deserve. I can not forgive my self nor forget what happened. i wish i could give you more. more of me. something to make it right. give you something i don't want to lose. so you know that i care for you. that i don't go a single day without thinking of you. that i have a 3 page letter that i write over and over because i can't get the words right. that its not perfect or maybe if i write it again it means i won't have to send it out today. i wish i could tell you that i love you"...... but nothing happens. no one there notices that I'm staring. that she's not paying attention. that nothing big is going to happen. that i can't get my legs to move to force my self up out of my chair and tell her what I've been rehearsing in my head for months. "I'm sorry anna."
I wrote this over a year ago on the other side of the planet yet it follows me. All those times i thought that i didnt care and it didnt bother me was a lie. that it doesnt matter and i do what i want. how selfish i was. now i pay for those thoughts. now i cant look at any one without thinking the worst. what are they doing when im not around.
What torment have a wrought upon my self.
" I saw her today. Almost a year and a half later and there she is ten feet away facing me eating a slice of pizza. It was just as hard as i imagined it to be. To look at her face and itemize all of my mistakes. To hear her voice and retrace all of my selfish actions. To remember the way it felt to kiss her lips and how my heart would race but not like it was racing now. No it was a different feeling like something big was about to happen. someone was about to cause a scene. At any moment she was going to stand up, walk over and slap me across the face. then the whole food court would fall silent and wait for me to respond. "I'm sorry that i wasn't the man you needed and deserve. I can not forgive my self nor forget what happened. i wish i could give you more. more of me. something to make it right. give you something i don't want to lose. so you know that i care for you. that i don't go a single day without thinking of you. that i have a 3 page letter that i write over and over because i can't get the words right. that its not perfect or maybe if i write it again it means i won't have to send it out today. i wish i could tell you that i love you"...... but nothing happens. no one there notices that I'm staring. that she's not paying attention. that nothing big is going to happen. that i can't get my legs to move to force my self up out of my chair and tell her what I've been rehearsing in my head for months. "I'm sorry anna."
I wrote this over a year ago on the other side of the planet yet it follows me. All those times i thought that i didnt care and it didnt bother me was a lie. that it doesnt matter and i do what i want. how selfish i was. now i pay for those thoughts. now i cant look at any one without thinking the worst. what are they doing when im not around.
What torment have a wrought upon my self.