This weekend was like taking a few bullets to the chest. I loved being there and hanging out with Uncle Allen and Aunt Nancy but that blew.
First thing that happens is I pass by all the hotels and places John (my ex) and I used to go to... and my iPod decided to shuffle to the songs we used to sing together in the car on the interstate. So that was fun... didn't let it bother me too bad. So I get to the auto shop and Allen's working on a nice Ford F-350. I was freaking out that John would come in at any moment even though I knew that was impossible.
Allen tells me he had a falling out with John and that I shouldn't worry about running into him. Second he tells me that John has pretty much come out of the closet... So he's gay. I have no problem with homosexuals. I have volunteered at gay bars and clubs and I love my gay friends dearly. Its just a shock to know that I was the last girl John had been with. It sorta hurts in a way too, even though I am desperately trying not to blame myself, I still am. I don't need people telling me what I should feel and not feel. I feel hurt, pain, anger, regret, longing... and I can't help it. I am in shock and I am freaking out. I mean Lord, I cried for 4 hours straight last night. But you all don't need to hear all this...
The thing that hit me hardest and made me just want to die was the fact the only free bed Allen and Nancy had was John's bed for me to sleep in... it wasn't even washed so it still smelled like him. That took the wind out of me. I have no idea how I even slept a wink in that bed. The moment I crawled in to sleep I was bawling. I should have slept on the couch... I'm such an idiot.
In a way I am glad I did all of that. I tried to face my past to make way for the future. I have no idea if it succeeded or not but lets hope this trip made me stronger as a person. I just hope this internal pain subsides a bit... its draining me of who I really am.
Sorry for the intensely depressing blog... I just needed to get these things off my chest. Thanks for reading and I promise a better, more up-lifting one later
Adios
First thing that happens is I pass by all the hotels and places John (my ex) and I used to go to... and my iPod decided to shuffle to the songs we used to sing together in the car on the interstate. So that was fun... didn't let it bother me too bad. So I get to the auto shop and Allen's working on a nice Ford F-350. I was freaking out that John would come in at any moment even though I knew that was impossible.
Allen tells me he had a falling out with John and that I shouldn't worry about running into him. Second he tells me that John has pretty much come out of the closet... So he's gay. I have no problem with homosexuals. I have volunteered at gay bars and clubs and I love my gay friends dearly. Its just a shock to know that I was the last girl John had been with. It sorta hurts in a way too, even though I am desperately trying not to blame myself, I still am. I don't need people telling me what I should feel and not feel. I feel hurt, pain, anger, regret, longing... and I can't help it. I am in shock and I am freaking out. I mean Lord, I cried for 4 hours straight last night. But you all don't need to hear all this...
The thing that hit me hardest and made me just want to die was the fact the only free bed Allen and Nancy had was John's bed for me to sleep in... it wasn't even washed so it still smelled like him. That took the wind out of me. I have no idea how I even slept a wink in that bed. The moment I crawled in to sleep I was bawling. I should have slept on the couch... I'm such an idiot.
In a way I am glad I did all of that. I tried to face my past to make way for the future. I have no idea if it succeeded or not but lets hope this trip made me stronger as a person. I just hope this internal pain subsides a bit... its draining me of who I really am.
Sorry for the intensely depressing blog... I just needed to get these things off my chest. Thanks for reading and I promise a better, more up-lifting one later
Adios
virally_yours:
thanks for all the input i think i know what im going to go for now tho.
