hardcoretosha

I am up. I haven't been sleeping very good for the past week. Too much crap going on in my life and it all just sucks. Today if my grandma didn't die she would have turned 59. I miss her so bad I wish she was still around. It's comming around to be a year since she died from cancer. I love you grandma. Work is just bugging the shit out of me. I had one person tell me today that I should go to a big starbucks and work there. And I have been thinking about what I want to do with that. Do I want to take over Lindas store when she leaves here in some odds months are do I want to start back at the bottom in some other store and work my way up tp the top like I already have. If I do go to a different store maybe they actyally work and they know how to do their shit so I wont have to pick up peoples slack. On another note me and my mom still do not get a long. I can't wait to put her out of my life. I have already moved out three times and they never end up working out. I still miss the piss out of Leo. He's comming back on the 6th, but only for a little while. He might come see me. Oh well if not he's still a fucking ass hole eaither way. An asshold I still fucking love. Err but anyways. Oh yeah and something that happend some odd days ago is bugging me. I don't know why but I guess it's because I had liked him?? Well he turned out to be like every other guy. But then I came to relaize that at the age of 20 that I am going to never marry and be single for the rest of my life. I can't affored to get hurt like how Leo hurt me again. Which is fine because I don't have to deal with guys And the world doesn't see past your looks, or the way you look, or how much you weigh, it's all about those things. It's like you HAVE to be skinny for guys to look a you. You HAVE to be pretty to get a job somewhere you really want. It feels like if you're not fake and lifes not given to you at your hands because you're so beautiful and skinny and big boobed, then you just might as well just have no feelings or opinions or life at all. And I have been having trouble with guys. Everyone says I should date, but theres no one to date because when I talk to someone and I end up likeing them and we end up hanging out I never hear from them again Everyone tells me I shouldn't let Leo be the last in my life but I think I'm gonna keep it that way. To feel the way I feel about life at the age of 20 isn't right at all. I have like a 45 year-old unmarried no kids kind of mind. I guess Ihave just lost all hope. [[sigh]]