Part 1
It's been a little bit since I posted a blog so I figured tonight I would write another one and spill because it's so easy to do that here where I don't know anybody. So, lately on the weekends I have been staying up later and later at night. I've always been a night owl and it's definitely a habit of mine to stay up late at night. I used to usually go to bed around 4 on work nights and that's still mostly the same. However, where I used to stay up until maybe five or 6 on weekends when I don't have to work the next day I have been staying up until 7 or so. I often find myself going to bed around sunrise or even when the sun is really starting to set high in the sky.
It's not that I am depressed or having any real negative emotions, at least not that I know of. It's mostly two things. It's that I just don't feel like going to bed and it's that I often have a longing to talk to someone in those wee hours but, as usual, I am the only one of my social group that is often awake that night. I don't mean I particularly need to have some deep conversation or a connection with a romantic partner. Obviously, those would be very nice but I just find myself yearning for some kind of companionship. I want someone to sit down and watch a movie with or watch creepy YouTube videos. I want someone to talk about all my weird and creepy interests with, someone who gets that and really gets me.
A routine I have in the warmer months and I hope I can pick up soon is to stay up on those weekend nights until the sun starts to rise and it's just starting to get light enough to see decently well. At that point I will get my wireless earbuds go out and stand on my front porch and play music playlists from YT channels like "Nobody Playlists" which often has somber, melancholy and atmospheric music that really vibes with my mood. They even have playlists that are titled after being awake that late and being the only one up.
In these times it almost feels as if I am the only one around. Obviously I know my neighbors are around and the entire world hasn't suddenly and mysteriously vanished, but there is such a stillness and quietness in those early hours that I really do feel all alone. It's a strange feeling because part of it does feel really chill and relaxing and some good vibes but also I once again have that feeling of wanting to share that vibe with someone. Maybe I just want someone to care? Maybe I just want to feel important to someone? Maybe it's as simple as wanting to have a casual conversation. It all goes back to my search for likeminded people and companionship. I wouldn't say I am "lonely" but it's more like I am so used to the loneliness that it's become so commonplace and natural for me. That doesn't sound like anything that should become that commonplace. I don't know how else to describe it as often times you can never REALLY describe a feeling, it just has to be felt.
Part 2
In some lighter news I have had success in finding likeminded people. A group of friends comes over to my house most weekends to chill and play board games. Sometimes we watch a movie or creepy videos as part of the group, like me, is really into that stuff. More than that we are really trying to get some projects together. We are trying to start a podcast on topic such as creepy true crime, the paranormal, cryptids and all the things that I have a huge interest in and am passionate about. That's something I am really looking forward to and trying to get off the ground.
In addition to the podcast we are also working on a found footage/mockumentary movie. It's a genre that some of the people from my board game group and I are really into. We have a good script and ideas and I honestly can't wait to start filming it. Of course, I would like to have success in these areas and make money and a career out of it but a lot of it is just doing something creating and exploring my interests and passions. It's scratching that creative itch and I am very glad I have found people to share those interests and start those projects with.
However, while are great people and I highly value the friendships I still find myself wanting...... more. I want to build more relationships. I want to find more people that are weird like me, who again as I stated earlier, really get me. I want to find a romantic relationship and a "significant other." I want to feel like I am cared for and loved. I want to be able to sit down and talk with someone about whatever I may be feeling or going through and knowing they will be there for me and try to help, not because they "should" but because they care.
I know these thoughts are all jumbled up and I keep repeating myself about things but I wanted to come here and just talk about it because it's always therapeutic to do so.
I hope I am making sense.