I talk about these things on here since I don't really know anyone and don't feel particularly comfortable sharing on social media where I do know people. As the title states, I have really started to doubt over the last few years if I will ever find love. I have been single for over a decade and all of my relationships haven't lasted very long. Because of that I also have limited experience with intimacy. When I was younger, I was super introverted and socially awkward. Around my early to mid 20's I realized this was really holding me back and I wanted to change. I started getting out more, being more socially outgoing even when it was hard. I got away from friends and people who weren't bad people, but were dragging me down and keeping me in that socially awkward state of mind. Point is, I have worked on myself quite a bit and am a lot different than I was back then. I will be 39 in January.
For the last while I have been trying to find groups and gatherings of like minded people. Others who are interested in the same weird shit that I am. People who have the same passions as I do but it's very hard. It's hard to find these groups/meetings in the first place. People have to work so much to make a living, people have kids, the list goes on and on. Sometimes I come home from a work week and I am just too damn tired to really go out so I do get that. It's also really hard when you're into all the weird shit to find people with common interests. I don't want to go to a bar or club all the time. I want to get out, hike, enjoy nature, camp, travel, check out haunted places and go on ghost hunts. I want to explore my passions and interests with someone. I want to just spend nights relaxing under the stars and talking while cuddling. I want to listen to true crime and watch horror movies and weird/creepy videos and channels on YouTube. I want to do new and exciting things.
Natural romantic attraction is also very hard for me to find anymore. When I was younger and in that socially awkward state I fell too easy for someone giving me a little bit of attention. I had to work on that and get out of that state of mind. It wasn't healthy for me or anyone else. Now, I am almost the polar opposite. It's very hard for me to find someone emotionally or romantically attractive. Physical attraction is fairly easy and it is important that I find that in a partner, but emotional attraction is much more important. I don't have any issues with others who have flings, casual sex, one night stands, who are polyamorus, etc. As long as it's two consenting adults, that's fine. Let others live their lives. I still have to get to know someone before any kind or romance, relationship or emotional or physical intimacy can happen. That can be an issue going back to one of my first points about people having time.
In all my past relationships, I have never been loved. I was just the someone to make them feel better while they got over a bad or lonely time. There was one who probably thought she loved me but we were also young and likely didn't really know what love really was but I guess that's better than nothing. Still, I can't shake the feeling that I have never been loved. I can't help but think no one has ever looked at me and was happy that I was around. No one ever has made me feel like my presence makes them happy or feel better. I have never felt wanted, only needed and never truly loved. It's something that keeps me awake at night.
I am still trying to meet new and likeminded people. I have stated working on projects and hobbies to keep myself occupied. I am trying to be more creative. I am trying to write more. I have been hanging out with a group of friends on a mostly weekly basis and that's great but they are all males. I am still trying to work on myself in these ways. I am not going to sit here and blame things 100% on everyone else or especially all on women. I still have my flaws and issues and I will admit that. I understand what my issues were when I was younger and how my social awkwardness and neediness for attention kept me single and alone but I have worked hard on that.
I am not a bad person. I wouldn't physically harm another unless they instigated an attack and I had to defend myself. I try to be compassionate and listen. In fact, people always used to say I was a great listener. I am emotionally available. I try to be adventurous and outgoing and not just stay around the house all the time. I believe in communication and that it's very important. If there is an issue, I want to discuss it. If we can't end up fixing it, that sucks, but at least we TRIED. At least we put in the effort and I am willing to put in that effort and fight for the relationship. I used to be that "nice guy" that was a pushover and had no boundaries. Now I have them and won't put up with being treated poorly or taken advantage of but I won't be cruel about how I stand up for myself but I will stand up and say what needs to be said. Point is, I am flawed like anyone else, but I am not a bad person. I deserve that love. I deserve someone who cares about me. I deserve someone I can sit down and talk with when I am going through hard emotional times or difficulties. I deserve someone who wants to help me get past those times. I don't deserve these without effort work on my part but I will put that work in and I deserve these things.
