As the title states I recently rejoined a group for the local community. I got out of it for a while to do some soul searching and while that did have some success and I found some things, I find myself returning to my roots in the end. With the passing of my friend I talked about in my previous blog it made me remember just how kind, supportive and fun the community overall is. It's been a tough time for me with what happened and has brought up some personal thoughts and realizations.
I am tired of being one of the only people I know who are into the darker or weirder aspects of life. I am tired of feeling like such an outcast and that's what originally brought me to the community decades ago. I want to get out more and find more friendships and relationships. I want to be around more likeminded people who I can feel comfortable around. I have for a long time. It's not that I don't feel comfortable around or love the friends I do have. I have just recently been noticing how few of them I really have anymore. A lot of that is life, jobs, responsibilities, etc. but I am not getting any younger. I want to reach out and make connections.
I am tired of the lonely nights sitting at home. Of course, a lot of times I prefer to be alone and just relax but a lot of times I want company, someone to talk to and someone to be around. I realized recently that I can't even recall the last time I felt "loved" or that someone wanted me around. I don't particularly mean that romantically, that would obviously be nice too, but I mean more platonically/friendship wise. I am not good about talking about my feelings or admitting that I do get lonely but the fact is I do. I am so used to it that it's normal and seems completely normal. That shouldn't happen.
Yes, I am "weird" and "odd" but not in a harmful or negative way. That doesn't mean that I am undeserving of companionship, friendship, compassion and love, both platonic and romantic. I am worth it and deserving of those things. I know these things take time and I am focusing more on the platonic side of things for now. If someone special comes along, that's all the better. For now I am going to try to start making more events and meetups. I am going to try to talk to and meet more people.
I don't know. I am definitely not depressed or anything but I am tired of a lot of things.
