I apologize if these thoughts are jumbled. I am still in the grieving process.
Last night I was informed of the tragic passing of a friend of mine. When I checked my FB on break I saw the post announcing her passing and it felt like a punch to the gut. We may not have been super close and rarely saw each other in person but she was a really cool person and someone whose posts I always looked forward to seeing. She had a good sense of humor, style, taste and was one of those rare souls that are one of a kind and just a lot of fun to be around. She always had such a positive energy about her. I will always remember how a few years ago when I was feeling lonely on my birthday she was the only one who made any real effort to take time out of her day and spend the day with me. It made me feel so much better and I will always remember it.
There are a lot of emotions within me right now. Obviously there is the sorrow. I know that I will never see another post from her again. I will never see her at another event or in public again. One of our last interactions was joking about how we both hated grocery shopping after she posted a funny meme. The void is noticeably there now that she is gone. One of the worst things is that I have a horrible suspicion about how she died. I haven't heard yet and I don't want to say anything on social media where a lot of people know her but I am afraid that she took her own life. Again, I cannot be 100% but the last post she made on FB was about a horrible breakup she had just been through and it was obvious she was in a really dark place. She also lost her dog a while back who was her anchor and she didn't have him during this emotional time. I can't help but think she would still be here if he was. I found out about her passing only a day or two after that post and I don't believe she ever responded to it or reacted to any of the comments. There's that voice in the back of my mind telling me that it's all no coincidence and she either meant that to be her final post or after she just got to such dark place she couldn't carry on.
I feel angry. I am angry that such an amazing an unique soul was taken too soon. I feel angry because of my speculations about her passing. I feel angry because of what her ex did to her and what I believe led her to such a dark place. I won't retaliate against him or anything but I can't help but be angry. I am angry that such a good person unfortunately was one of those who never seemed to be able to catch a break. In person and in many of her posts she was so vibrant but there was a darkness behind it and she didn't deserve it. I know life isn't fair but I just can't help but feel angry.
I feel slightly guilty and can't help but wonder what would happen if I reached out through messenger and just gave her words of comfort and told her how amazing and worthwhile she was. Deep down I know that likely wouldn't have changed anything but that guilt is still there.
I still feel shocked and confused. I know it happened but I am still going through the stage of finding it so hard to believe. I still want to be some sick joke by some idiot on the internet. However, I know it isn't I know it is real but it just shouldn't be. She shouldn't be gone. She should still be here. She should still be lighting up the world and her friends lives.
I find myself wishing I could just see her and hug her. I wish I could have done something to take away or reduce the pain and sorrow she was going through. I just want to talk to her, comment on her posts, share silly memes and things we are both interested in. I cannot do that anymore. We lost a great person much, much too soon.
R.I.P Tristin. I really hope you finally found the peace you were searching for. I love and miss you. You will not be forgotten. I can't type anymore. I am breaking down and crying again.
