So, today I decided to go to the bar and just chill out. It's my favorite place in town so it's not unusual for me to be there. I decided if she was there, I would talk to her if not that was fine too. I have been talking to and older co-worker of mine who is kind and honest and of course knows more about life than I do having been around a lot longer. She said I should try going to the bar. Eventually I saw her walk by. I wasn't sure at first since we have only met in person once but once I was I just smiled, waved and said hi. She recognized me said hi back. She was working and therefore busy so I didn't try to bother her too much. She came back a second later and asked how I was doing. We had a short exchange, again because she was working and couldn't just stand around and talk.

When I left, I just went for it. I walked up and very politely asked what time she got out and that I would like to hang out if she was OK with. She politely told me she got off late and had to be up early the next day. I said that I would still like to hang out sometime. At some point she said she would "catch me next time." I didn't really let it show but I was nervous so everything kind of blurred together. I don't know if she said she would "catch me next time" after I said I would like to hang out sometime or before. I just smiled and told her I would hit her up later. I already plan to wait a few days still going with not being too pushy.

I didn't push the issue any further. I didn't constantly ask to hang out. I didn't retaliate or get mad at her when she said she had to work late and had to be up the next morning. I am sure that was true but I don't know if behind that she just didn't want to hang out at all. I am sure she isn't oblivious. By now she has to have some idea that I have some attraction to her. I don't think she believes I am weird or creepy. I wasn't rude or pushy.

Still, as I have mentioned overall I just want to help her. I really feel in my heart that we were supposed to meet and that there is a purpose for it. It doesn't necessarily have to be romantic or a relationship. My question is now how do I relay that? Should I just be completely honest? Should I just honestly and politely tell her how I feel? Should I explain what's been on my heart and mind that I really and honestly want to help, all the "coincidences" that led to us meeting that I don't believe are just coincidences. She doesn't know my work schedule of life. She has no way of knowing how many things had to fall in place for me to meet her and discuss what we discussed. I want to make it clear that I don't expect her to date me or anything. I don't expect that kind of special relationship. It's not "I want to help but in turn you owe me this or that." Should I just be up front and honest and spill my feelings?

I tried to turn to some friends about this and it just reminded me why I come here where I don't know anyone to talk about things that are on my mind. I could tell they weren't really trying. I could tell they were only giving me half-assed answers just to answer me. It reminded me of why I don't open up and again I do get how it may be hard for her to open up and trust anyone. Now I feel utterly helpless, alone and unloved. It hurts a lot. I had to lie down in bed just because it all got me so down.

That's part of the thing though. I know how people can be. I don't know what has happened to her in the past or how people have been to her but I can gather that's a good part of it. I just want to be able to tell her that I get how people suck. I want to tell her that I am not perfect, I am only human, I make mistakes, I don't always say or do the right thing but that I honestly and truly will do my very best to help her in any reasonable way I can and that I would never deliberately or maliciously mistreat her or let her down. I would never ignore her or expect "something" in return for being kind and trying to help her out. I would never just turn away and give up because she had problems or that it's hard for her to talk about shit.

Yeah there is also the attraction but that's a side note. Sure the smiling big at me and blowing the kiss compared to talking this time is a bit confusing but she was also working this time. Last time she was off and at the bar. Again, I know that those original actions don't automatically mean anything.

I am just so lost and confused about so much right now.