This is something I could never admit on Facebook or to people I know but it's true. Sure I have had me teenage relationships where she "loved" me but it was all just teenage emotions and not real in the end. It's something I realized when I was a little older. However, at almost 35 I realize no one has really been "in love" with me and by that I mean actual love not just a strong "like" in a relationship.
On social media and among people I know I can't admit this. I have to act like I am tough and everything is fine. I have to act like I don't get lonely at times or that this weighs on me. I am often the person people come to for advice and therefore I can't show any weakness. However, on here I don't actually know anyone and my past personal blogs and have had some success.
I know I can be a little bit of a loner and honestly it's very hard for me to be romantically attracted to anyone anymore. I can't think of the last time I was genuinely attracted to anyone. Sure there have been those that originally think they seem kind of cool and there is a spark of interest but something always extinguishes that spark. Maybe that's because I have subconsciously put up a guard around myself because of past relationships.
However, just because I am like that doesn't mean I don't want that love. I want that someone who looks at me and smiles because they genuinely like my company. I want that someone who I can be completely open and honest with, which is a very hard thing for me. I honestly want that person where I can show venerability to and they want to help because they genuinely care. Most of all I just want to be loved. I am sure the isolation with the current world situation hasn't helped but even beyond that and before that there hasn't really been anything. It's been a very long time since I have been in a relationship and I have honestly had very few relationships.
Yeah, I know I am weird and awkward in this current time but not in a bad way. I don't hurt people and I am not a bad person and I honestly deserve that love. This whole post probably seems like rambling but I am just typing it out the way it feels in my head. There are so many layers to this. The wanting love but not being able to admit it to those you personally know. There's the whole you have to be the "tough" guy and not let anything slip to those you personally know. There's the whole finding it so hard to find someone compatible and feeling a genuine attraction. It makes sense to me in my head but it is hard to put into words for others to understand but maybe someone out there gets it, who knows.
Anyway, as this is the only place I feel comfortable talking about really personal things, here this is.
