happyboy

I ate a piece of Carefree chewing gum but, I was stiiiiill WORRIED! I went back to the store and I said BULL-SHIT!

If you wear dentures, don't eat anything sugarless or you will get a fake cavity.

Last night, at a show, I told the audience to fuck off but then I felt bad so I told'em they could fuck back on.

One time the power went out in my apartment so I went out and bought a cake.

I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get real mad if she heard me say that.

I was walking by this outdoor cafe once and I saw a Kango hat on one of the tables and I was like "man, that table is fuckin' HIP! That is one cool dude or maybe...it has a bald spot."

A few nuggets from one of my favorite stand up comedians, Mitch Hedberg. He ODed on something years ago, I think it was heroin, not sure, my VH1ese is a little ru-sty. He was a cool cat, man. Dry wit delivered in a hip, offbeat way. When I would see his shows on tv, I'd always think it would be awesome to hang out with this guy and just mellow out, every once in a while he would point out something I'd normally take for granted and make me laugh my ass off. I think that'd been cool....yeah