Well, it seems like my first attempt at this went no where so lets start again.....
It has been a stressful month and a bit now. My girlfriend of almost 2 years left to go back home to Australia near the start of October and i has been somewhat of an emotional roller coaster ride ever since. I knew that I wasn't going to be an easy transition to make having her gone but I really didn't ever expect it to go the way that it did.
I was diagnosed with depression 5 or 6 years ago now so i knew that this loss was going to be especially hard to get through. I look back now and I think that i started preparing myself for her inevitable departure in the weeks before she left. I never stopped caring or checked out of the relationship but I think in some way i realized that I was probably never going to see her again. I don't know why i felt that way, there was no good reason for it, maybe just a gut feeling. still, i tried to make the most of the days that i had with her but all too fast we were at the bus station saying goodbye.
After she left we exchanged text messages and emails and I told her how much i missed her and that I still loved her and how big a whole she had left in my life. At first the responses were quick and heartfelt and then as the weeks went on responses got fewer and further apart. Then one day came the email. The one telling me how much she missed being at home with her family and friends but realized this was just a break before the next chapter of her life began. She asked me what I wanted out of my life, and after some soul searching i knew it was her.
I responded to her email, and put all of my thoughts and feelings out there for her to see. I told her that I wanted a life with her wherever that was. I wanted to see all the things she had been talking about for the last 2 years. i wanted to meet all her family and friends and just be with her. I told her how much she meant to me and how special the last 2 years had been. I told her i would be there as soon as i could if she wanted me there.
Then the waiting began. Trying not to think about what her answer would be. Trying not to think the worst but trying not to get my hopes up either. Then the response came......"I can't let you do this". What? Ok, so in the weeks you have been gone you have decided that you don't want me as part of your life and I am now to blame for every problem that our relationship had? Huh. Not going to lie that sent me for a loop.
So, my own personal battle has been in full swing since then. Someday are good and most days are pretty low. The hardest part to deal with by far has been the loneliness. Not so much the physical loneliness but the emotional. Missing that partner, that best friend, that person that knows you almost better than you know yourself.
I struggle daily to maintain my composure and function in real life even on the best days but now i find the struggle is growing each and every day. i try to focus on the good and the happy but it seems like those things are becoming fewer and further between. The few things that make me smile each day now seem to torment me as much as they used to make me happy.
It has been a stressful month and a bit now. My girlfriend of almost 2 years left to go back home to Australia near the start of October and i has been somewhat of an emotional roller coaster ride ever since. I knew that I wasn't going to be an easy transition to make having her gone but I really didn't ever expect it to go the way that it did.
I was diagnosed with depression 5 or 6 years ago now so i knew that this loss was going to be especially hard to get through. I look back now and I think that i started preparing myself for her inevitable departure in the weeks before she left. I never stopped caring or checked out of the relationship but I think in some way i realized that I was probably never going to see her again. I don't know why i felt that way, there was no good reason for it, maybe just a gut feeling. still, i tried to make the most of the days that i had with her but all too fast we were at the bus station saying goodbye.
After she left we exchanged text messages and emails and I told her how much i missed her and that I still loved her and how big a whole she had left in my life. At first the responses were quick and heartfelt and then as the weeks went on responses got fewer and further apart. Then one day came the email. The one telling me how much she missed being at home with her family and friends but realized this was just a break before the next chapter of her life began. She asked me what I wanted out of my life, and after some soul searching i knew it was her.
I responded to her email, and put all of my thoughts and feelings out there for her to see. I told her that I wanted a life with her wherever that was. I wanted to see all the things she had been talking about for the last 2 years. i wanted to meet all her family and friends and just be with her. I told her how much she meant to me and how special the last 2 years had been. I told her i would be there as soon as i could if she wanted me there.
Then the waiting began. Trying not to think about what her answer would be. Trying not to think the worst but trying not to get my hopes up either. Then the response came......"I can't let you do this". What? Ok, so in the weeks you have been gone you have decided that you don't want me as part of your life and I am now to blame for every problem that our relationship had? Huh. Not going to lie that sent me for a loop.
So, my own personal battle has been in full swing since then. Someday are good and most days are pretty low. The hardest part to deal with by far has been the loneliness. Not so much the physical loneliness but the emotional. Missing that partner, that best friend, that person that knows you almost better than you know yourself.
I struggle daily to maintain my composure and function in real life even on the best days but now i find the struggle is growing each and every day. i try to focus on the good and the happy but it seems like those things are becoming fewer and further between. The few things that make me smile each day now seem to torment me as much as they used to make me happy.