hannarobin

I am not proud. I do not consider it a badge of honor that I have cheated on every person that has ment anything to me romanticly. It makes me sick to my stomach when I think of the hurt that I have unloaded on to people by the truck load and that I can only feel bad for the pain I have caused them, but not the actions alone. I have done this drunk and sober, with people I loved and with people who ment nothing to me. I don't know what compells me to do it or why no matter how much I care for the person I can't stop myself from hurting them.
But it stops now. It stops today. My heart can't take any more guilt and punishment. I can't let the person I love be in constant and well placed doubt of me forever. It's not worth it.
A very good friend recently found out that her partner had been with someone else after a very long time of being together. Listening to how vulnerable she felt after giving so much of herself to this person was heartbreaking. I don't know why this was the trigger for me never to do this again but I can't imagine making someone feel like that. It really does make me want to vomit to think I have already inflicted that on other people.
My bones hurt today from the guilt of things I have done, but at the same time, I feel refreshed and uplifted with hope that maybe for once I can do something right and treat someone the way they deserve to be treated.
I am sorry. I never thought I was enough of a person to hurt anyone. I am sorry to Adam, to Kevin, to Ben, and to Kevin. I am sorry I betrayed your trust and your love with my own insecurities and selfishness.
I am changing and growing into the arms of someone amazing...