handle

I hate masculenity. I hate femininity. I hate learned social rolls that serve nothing more then to frustrate, derail and jam the gears of positive and worthwile social interaction. I hate the fact that everyone needs a drug of some sort to put up with their everyday existence, weather it be smoked, drank, shot-up, read, or prayed to. As I sat in my car outside of the convinience store today waiting for my friends, I noticed a man, late 40's, carrying a paper bag with what looked like it contained alcohol of somekind. He had loosened his tie, unbuttoned his collar and removed his suit jacket, and was most likely going home to get loaded. He will probably do this again tomorrow. I hate the fact that I can't, despite my efforts, truely "see the beauty" in everyone. I doubt all of my core ethics and beliefs that get me through the night, until I finally retreat into an aware state of denial. I hate the fact that there is no one I feel comfortable telling this too, except a bunch of digital strangers. I hate how my state of mind can be completely altered by the ring of my cell phone, like I'm one of Pavlov's dogs, and the caller is never who I would like to have called me the most. I hate that I feel completely incapable of true love toward another and the last person who I did feel it for never really existed, but was mearly a false perception that was projected onto someone undeserving of this. Stepping back and observing myself, I sound insane, sick, and irrational, but not enough to unconvince myself of agreeing with my perceptions. I'm going to do my math homework, and then I'm probably going to get drunk.