I was, and currently am, able to overlook the fact that your penis is smaller than the average male's, but when I tell you your kissing is sloppy, that's a hint to practice, or at least not drool and smack all over my face the next time we're locking lips. I appreciate you telling me up front that you don't like to perform oral, but when you insist on receiving the pleasures of my mouth, I would expect some of the same in return, especially considering the awkward sex. Now, about how you like to finger me. Sloppy kisses and fumbling boob gropes do not mean my vag will automatically lube itself, especially after the awkward tonsel hockey kisses, so PLEASE stop shoving your fingers into me while I'm dry. By the way, I'm writhing around in pain, not pleasure. About wearing condoms, you know my stance on children, how I never want any, and whether or not I'm on birth control, and I don't care how the little rubber distracts from the feel of my insides, I DO NOT WANT YOUR CUM IN ME. Also, when your partner starts bringing their own tool to bed to help themselves get off, even after a long bout of your sweating body heaving on top of them, you know you're bad in bed.
We are good friends, and I hope we still are for years to come, so I'm willing to overlook these aspects of your sexual performance, whether they be due to lack of experience or motivation, but please take my criticism to heart, otherwise you may not ever get laid again.
Sincerely,
Your Friend-With-Benefits
P.S. Don't tell me right before we're getting into bed to have sex that your cat has fleas, cause I know she sleeps there too.
We looked up taking one of the classes but theyre 600 dollars and you have to learn all this other shit too. We just wanted to sword swallow and fire breath, fuck shoving nails up our nose and getting out of straight jackets, borringg.