hallandoatbran

There's nothing like a sticky rat and a head butt to the crotch.

You heard me. A sticky rat and a head butt to the crotch.

Blind dates can suck my ass.

OK. So I get to her house, knock on the door. She looks nice
enough. We make chit chat on the porch for a couple of minutes. She
tells me that her name isn't actually Heaven, that it's Amber. She
just goes by Heaven on the computer. That should have sent up the
caution flags. But it didn't. Then we headed to the movie theater. We get our
popcorn and get our seats. The movie starts. The first line of
dialogue happens, and she leans over. I turn towards her. She looks
into my eyes and says, 'WHAT DID HE SAY?' I back off. Turns out
'Heaven' is almost deaf. So I got to be Garrett Morris for the rest
of the movie. I got to repeat every line of the movie, but much
louder. Nearly every other person in the theater left.

And if that was the end of the date, I would have been fine.
But she grabbed my hand as we left the theater and began professing
her love for me. Apparently, I was the first person to ever watch an
ENTIRE movie with her. I was something special..

So I'm getting sufficiently freaked out. I take her back
to her house. My plan is to let her out, thank her for the Milk Duds,
and be on my way. But when we get back to her house, there's
a teenage girl running around the yard screaming, and a little
boy jumping up and down on the porch with a can of Mountain Dew in
each hand. She jumps out and runs for the boy. Her son, I'm
guessing. Turns out the kid let his pet rat out of the cage, the
baby-sitter panicked, ran outside, followed by the rat, followed by
the kid. So, being the nice guy that I am, I start looking for the
rat. Heaven goes back inside and comes out with the cage as I try to
wrangle the little bugger in. After the baby-sitter screeched in my
ear for the three hundredth time, I grabbed the rat. And it was
STICKY. Nasty, disgustingly sticky.

The baby-sitter said, 'the little brat was spitting Mountain
Dew on the rat to get it to chase me.' I just ignored the sticky
squirming mess in my hands and put it into the cage. Heaven threw her
arms around my neck and before I knew it, was molesting me about the
mouth area. I broke free and started back for the car. 'Wait!
Angel, go tell the nice man thank you.' So the little guy comes over
to me and head butts me in the crotch.

Right in the mommy-daddy button. I smiled, waved, and limped back
to the car. The perfect end to the perfect date. I tell you what, if
I ever get into a scuffle, I'm going to try and find some suger-hyper
six-year-old to fight for me. They're bad. Like ninjas, without all
that stealth and honor.

Worst date so far.