we all came back from camping for some bad news eh? this is really, REALLY long, and whiny, so if you just came by to say hi or something cute, or reply to a comment i made, please feel free to skip it, i will not only not mind but probably appreciate it. it has no pictures, just a very lots of words about angst or something. i just had to write it out.
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
when i was about 12 years old i joined the men and boys choir at the church that ran my school. i loved singing and it seemed like a good outlet. and it payed, so hey. at first the choirmaster hated me, because i was a hyperactive smartass, but over time he taught me patience and loyalty like no one else. since my own father was for the most part out of the picture, he speedily became my primary father figure. he defined my sense of loyalty and was my only figure of a good man. i never went on vacations during the school year ie. spring break because that was the busiest church times, even though a lot of other kids did. i adored that man. he got angry at me a lot for not shutting up or being a smart ass at times, but i got better at it and he never hit me or did anything of the dirty sort.
when i was 14 he was fired from a new rector came to the church and fired him along with most of the senior members of the church. they also accused him of being a pedophile, but he sued them for slander. some stayed at the old church, myself and a few others left. about a year later we found a new church that was smaller, more homey, and we never thought of the event as anything other than a power hungry new rector who didn't like being the most unpopular dude their.
as i grew up he accepted me as a young adult and i started going with him to the bar with the older guys in the choir as well as the choirmaster and older choir members of our brother church. one night the topic was breached about a guy who worked in a church nearby who had been busted for child pornography. being dirty minded catholics and episcopalians we joked about this kind of stuff and worse often. my choirmaster pointed out that at least he wasn't a predator, that he only looked at pictures and didn't touch the boys in the church and he shouldn't have his career ruined for it. i didn't think anything of his fervent defending of this man, because i kind of agreed with his point. i put it away in my mind and forgot about it.
when i was about 19 my car was in the shop so he had been busting my chops about being late. as soon as i picked my car up i drove to his house to tell him that i wouldn't be late anymore. his door was unlocked and i heard voices inside. it turned out to be the radio, so i figured he was out on a quick errand and decided to stick around. i played with his irish setter Jameson and snooped around. when i went upstairs to his room i found a stack of pictures about as high as my knee of pictures. pictures of boys. no full nudity, just shirtless boys. hundreds and hundreds of them. i knocked over the pile and the poured everywhere and i looked at each one of them, looking for i don't know what. nudity, proof of illegal activity. looking maybe for pictures of me, or the other kids in the choir. i found neither. i nervously fixed the stack and ran out. i drove for hours smoking and thinking and finally decided that i wouldn't say anything to anyone. i was pissed. i felt betrayed. i thought of all the times he was around us when we were playing in the pool or in the ocean half naked, on choir retreats. i thought especially of how we had followed him blindly after his accusation. but to my knowledge the pictures weren't illegal, and more importantly, i sincerely believed he hadn't touched the kids. he's had plenty of chances, with me at least, and never tried anything. he was just looking. i stayed with the choir, watched out for the kids, spent lots of time with the younger ones so they'd like me in case anything ever happened they might confide in me, and swallowed my secret. because i believed that his love of working with both kids and adults was something seperate than his alleged perversion. he spoke of his job with love, told me one night that the point of life is to find love, that most found it in a woman but some could find it in a job and those people didn't need a woman. he dated of course, but didn't think he'd ever get married. and i didn't want to take away a man's great love, especially the man who was the closest thing i ever had to a father. i knew pedophiles, and he wasn't one.
when i was 23 he fired me. he was drunk, i was trying to correct him, and he lost it. his reason and sobriety had been declining more speedily at that time. it broke me. i lost sense of loyalty, of love, of all things solid. i lost my father. i lost my religion. i lost everything. i sorta wrote about it here. he had been my ride home so i tried to take the bus but it didn't come so it was a very cold night. i left him a xmas present on his door a week later (he fired me the week before xmas), but i never spoke to him again. i couldn't. soon after i broke up with my girlfriend and quit my job and moved out of the state.
several days ago, the cops found his stash. a painter saw something odd allegedly, and when the cops came (or at least what i heard an hour ago) there where pictures from floor to ceiling, stacks and on the wall. i believe it. i saw his collection in its junior stage. so many times i pictured getting fired again, except in my version after questioning my loyalty i hadn't hung my head and walked out into the snow, instead i told him that loyalty was holding the secret that he was a pedophile for 5 years and then storming out. in one version i punched him. sometimes i thought about calling up the head of the church, but i stopped myself because after 11 years of working for this man, i wanted to somehow be the better of us. stupid, right? plus i thought that considering i had just been fired, he might not believe me. but now the secret is out, but i still don't feel at peace. his number popped into my head. if you'd asked me any other day what his number was, i couldn't have told you. it hasn't been in any of my last 2 phones, and i haven't dialed it in years. but i remembered it. checked it on 411, but hung up before they direct connected me. i don't know what i'd say. his sentencing is next thursday. i might actually be home for it. i don't know if i should go, what i'll feel when i see him. if everyone else will feel the same way when i see him. i want to hate him. i never could. i'm smoking and pacing and my baby just left for 2 days like 10 minutes before i got the call. i don't even know why i'm writing all this. hopefully it's well written and interesting and some of you actually made it through besides my girl and probably the girl i broke up with after the first shit bomb. anyway. i think i'll go have some pudding.
i don't actually have pudding, that was just a weak attempt at a tension breaker ala harry potter. i'm actually going to go drink a large amount of whiskey and smoke a pack, in honor of a man who loved to drink, loved to smoke, and who will never know love again in this mortal life.
when i was about 12 years old i joined the men and boys choir at the church that ran my school. i loved singing and it seemed like a good outlet. and it payed, so hey. at first the choirmaster hated me, because i was a hyperactive smartass, but over time he taught me patience and loyalty like no one else. since my own father was for the most part out of the picture, he speedily became my primary father figure. he defined my sense of loyalty and was my only figure of a good man. i never went on vacations during the school year ie. spring break because that was the busiest church times, even though a lot of other kids did. i adored that man. he got angry at me a lot for not shutting up or being a smart ass at times, but i got better at it and he never hit me or did anything of the dirty sort.
when i was 14 he was fired from a new rector came to the church and fired him along with most of the senior members of the church. they also accused him of being a pedophile, but he sued them for slander. some stayed at the old church, myself and a few others left. about a year later we found a new church that was smaller, more homey, and we never thought of the event as anything other than a power hungry new rector who didn't like being the most unpopular dude their.
as i grew up he accepted me as a young adult and i started going with him to the bar with the older guys in the choir as well as the choirmaster and older choir members of our brother church. one night the topic was breached about a guy who worked in a church nearby who had been busted for child pornography. being dirty minded catholics and episcopalians we joked about this kind of stuff and worse often. my choirmaster pointed out that at least he wasn't a predator, that he only looked at pictures and didn't touch the boys in the church and he shouldn't have his career ruined for it. i didn't think anything of his fervent defending of this man, because i kind of agreed with his point. i put it away in my mind and forgot about it.
when i was about 19 my car was in the shop so he had been busting my chops about being late. as soon as i picked my car up i drove to his house to tell him that i wouldn't be late anymore. his door was unlocked and i heard voices inside. it turned out to be the radio, so i figured he was out on a quick errand and decided to stick around. i played with his irish setter Jameson and snooped around. when i went upstairs to his room i found a stack of pictures about as high as my knee of pictures. pictures of boys. no full nudity, just shirtless boys. hundreds and hundreds of them. i knocked over the pile and the poured everywhere and i looked at each one of them, looking for i don't know what. nudity, proof of illegal activity. looking maybe for pictures of me, or the other kids in the choir. i found neither. i nervously fixed the stack and ran out. i drove for hours smoking and thinking and finally decided that i wouldn't say anything to anyone. i was pissed. i felt betrayed. i thought of all the times he was around us when we were playing in the pool or in the ocean half naked, on choir retreats. i thought especially of how we had followed him blindly after his accusation. but to my knowledge the pictures weren't illegal, and more importantly, i sincerely believed he hadn't touched the kids. he's had plenty of chances, with me at least, and never tried anything. he was just looking. i stayed with the choir, watched out for the kids, spent lots of time with the younger ones so they'd like me in case anything ever happened they might confide in me, and swallowed my secret. because i believed that his love of working with both kids and adults was something seperate than his alleged perversion. he spoke of his job with love, told me one night that the point of life is to find love, that most found it in a woman but some could find it in a job and those people didn't need a woman. he dated of course, but didn't think he'd ever get married. and i didn't want to take away a man's great love, especially the man who was the closest thing i ever had to a father. i knew pedophiles, and he wasn't one.
when i was 23 he fired me. he was drunk, i was trying to correct him, and he lost it. his reason and sobriety had been declining more speedily at that time. it broke me. i lost sense of loyalty, of love, of all things solid. i lost my father. i lost my religion. i lost everything. i sorta wrote about it here. he had been my ride home so i tried to take the bus but it didn't come so it was a very cold night. i left him a xmas present on his door a week later (he fired me the week before xmas), but i never spoke to him again. i couldn't. soon after i broke up with my girlfriend and quit my job and moved out of the state.
several days ago, the cops found his stash. a painter saw something odd allegedly, and when the cops came (or at least what i heard an hour ago) there where pictures from floor to ceiling, stacks and on the wall. i believe it. i saw his collection in its junior stage. so many times i pictured getting fired again, except in my version after questioning my loyalty i hadn't hung my head and walked out into the snow, instead i told him that loyalty was holding the secret that he was a pedophile for 5 years and then storming out. in one version i punched him. sometimes i thought about calling up the head of the church, but i stopped myself because after 11 years of working for this man, i wanted to somehow be the better of us. stupid, right? plus i thought that considering i had just been fired, he might not believe me. but now the secret is out, but i still don't feel at peace. his number popped into my head. if you'd asked me any other day what his number was, i couldn't have told you. it hasn't been in any of my last 2 phones, and i haven't dialed it in years. but i remembered it. checked it on 411, but hung up before they direct connected me. i don't know what i'd say. his sentencing is next thursday. i might actually be home for it. i don't know if i should go, what i'll feel when i see him. if everyone else will feel the same way when i see him. i want to hate him. i never could. i'm smoking and pacing and my baby just left for 2 days like 10 minutes before i got the call. i don't even know why i'm writing all this. hopefully it's well written and interesting and some of you actually made it through besides my girl and probably the girl i broke up with after the first shit bomb. anyway. i think i'll go have some pudding.
i don't actually have pudding, that was just a weak attempt at a tension breaker ala harry potter. i'm actually going to go drink a large amount of whiskey and smoke a pack, in honor of a man who loved to drink, loved to smoke, and who will never know love again in this mortal life.
VIEW 14 of 14 COMMENTS
my frito-lay guy showed up at work today and i asked him about the 'flat earth' fruit chips.
he said he wasn't sure if he could get them.
i said 'they are frito-lay, and i want them. get them.'
he said 'i don't think they will sell here.'
i said 'i do, and it's my choice, get them or i will have to make a call, Shelly (his boss) left me her card a few months ago, i'll call her.'
he stared at me and i smirked.
i will have flat earth chips next week.
i am a bully for food.
as fr the friend, the classes, and the uke, give me info, let me know what i need to do
bomb
word
appreciated