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An Open Letter to Both Americas

Dear Democrat,

We apologize for the gusty weather youll be having today, but thats what happens when the WHOLE WORLD IS SHAKING ITS HEAD in despair and disbelief. Looking back, it seemed that you had a shoe in even before you selected a candidate, after all 9/11, the jewel in the Bush/Cheney crown, was clearly, really an utter fuck up by that administration and its so-called intelligence, and the war in Iraq was quickly descending into a high-stakes parody of the Vietnam war, this time with the added effect of riling up an entire region not known for its stability or grace under pressure. The economy was not what it had been under Clinton either, and to ice the cake you had the righteous indignation of Democrats in Florida and, it turned out, in other swing states who felt that 2000 had been picked right out of their pockets. You know, anger is an energy, and it can be a useful tool even in politics, the coldest blooded game there is. Tell Al Gore to put that in his pipe and smoke it.

But I digress

Your victory seemed likely, if not destined. Enter John Kerry. This is the man you chose to lead the party in 2004 and, if I may, he is this man who was responsible for the snatching of defeat from the jaws of that likely victory. We - and yes, for now Im speaking for pretty well everybody else in the world - we never saw in him the flip-flop artiste that the Republicans wanted America to see, after all we all realize that democracy by its very nature requires that positions be continuously interrogated, that reality is a shifting sphere and only donkeys, fundamentalists and retards see the world as a pattern of absolutes. Flip-flopping is fine, in other words, if the flip-flops make sense given the addition of new information or the liberal use (yes, the L word) of a thing called REFLECTION. What bothered us was not that John Kerry might have flip-flopped, but that he was and is, to his bones, a waffler. Wafflers are born politicians but usually doomed to the lower ranks, this time, by virtue of his fortune, a dyed in the wool waffler was given a run at the top spot. (Here in Canada we have another such moneybags-waffle-meister who actually, while the fates were snoozing, made it to the PMs office.) Wafflers, as a species, are so eager not to give offense to potential supporters that everything they say and do is couched in a Byzantine layer of evasive language and what they say in the end, is nothing valuable at all. To wit: John Kerry was determined to appear hawkish, to appease religious groups, to support backwards policies in order not to offend Why, Democrat, why can your party not stop calling a spade a sliver tea service and just call it a spade? Why are you not the pro-choice party? Cut and dry. Why are you not the anti-war party? Again, straight forward. What about the party that supports gay marriage? The one that supports decriminalizing pot? The one that opposes capital punishment, supports Kyoto, and puts forward a policy on drug prices that isnt as utterly phony as well bring in cheaper drugs from Canada? If you want to be the alternative to the incumbent, there must be something that sets you apart, that makes you alternative. But apparently even the Democratic Party, the party of hope and intelligence, falls prey to the politics of fear. So, utterly terrified of losing, John Kerry tried to play tennis on both sides of the net, and tripped in the middle.

Our advice, from out here in the rest of the world, is to play hardball next time, to set out clear, hard, tough alternatives that are not dressed up in sophistry, but are clearly explained and strongly held. What the heck, why not just come out and say it next time, I AM A LIBERAL (meaning I am a liberal-minded person versus a closed-minded person), its not a badge of shame, not if thats who you really are.

Better luck next time.

Dear Republican,

Well, you did it, you showed us that nobodys going to tell you how to vote in your own elections. You came out for George Bush and Dick Cheney, proving that you like em dumb and crooked, and you came out against gay marriage, you even voted for the guy who cheated during his debate. Excellent work.

Now that youve made the USA the least progressive nation in the free world it would be nice if the rest of us could say, so what, youve made your bed, now lie in it. Unfortunately, because your country is the biggest (some would say most bloated) and strongest ( some would say most aggressively bullying) we all have to lie in those same stinky sheets along with you.

Thanks a lot.