gypsy11681

I am feeling extraordinarily overwhelmed right now, for the past few days actually. My anxiety is through the fucking roof. Im used to it being constantly there. I know Ive said before that I have absolutely no idea what it feels like to not be anxious, I experience some level of anxiety 100% of the time, but its been a long time since its stayed consistently this high. I mean, after doing the usual Monday run around, we watched a disc of Dark Angel that we had gotten from Netflix, and then some episodes of Joey. That was what I wanted to do, and that doesnt sound very stressful, right? Yet, I sat here feeling like I needed to jump right out of my skin, and its been like that constantly. At night, I try to go to sleep, instead I lay here and panic. This isnt anything new, Ive been here many, many times before but like I said, its been a long time, and in the mean time, you kind of forget just how painful it is.

So, why am I so fucking wired right now, you ask? Im not sure exactly, or I cant pinpoint it because its a combination of too many things at once. Molly said that the air quality is really poor right now (humidity + allergens = not good), which sounds about right, I can not seem to fucking catch my breath. Im still worrying about all the doctor stuff (I decided to have my mole checked at a different doctor, where my parents go, while I try to find a new doctor, and the asthma doctor wants me to come in and see him before hell ok the Singulair. He thinks I may still have an infection, which I have been feeling sick and dizzy the last few days). I have about 50 billion thoughts swirling around my head. A bunch of them that I wanted to write about, but I cant slow my thoughts down enough to decide which I actually want to write about, so theyre going to have to go on the back burner, at least for today.

My schedule has changed, and I think thats a huge part of this. I didnt even turn on my computer during Toasts days off. Monday we always spend all day running around, so Sunday is really the only day we get to just hang out. I feel like Ive been taking too much for granted and I want to spend the time with him, but that means that I have less time to do things Im used to doing. Plus, Ive been thinking a lot about starting to slowly do things that Ive been putting off (major anxiety coming from this, just breathe Gypsy, one day at a time, one step at a time, just do the best you can), less time for that as well. Today will be the 1st day that he gets out at 6 instead of 8. I like that hes getting out earlier, but its change, and I cant breathe. Ok, so Im going to go try to get what I planned on getting done done today, without exploding or ripping my skin off or something, wish me luck.

Through My Eyes: Adventures in Borderline Land