gutterman

Out of the thousands upon thousands of websites, this is only one.

Out of the 387,000+ journal entries, this is only one.

Out of all of the statements in this journal entry, this is only one.

And when someone who you don't care about lives very far away, that is OK, because you never have to see them.

And when that person is a member of a website that you are NOT a member of, that is OK too, because then you don't have to read what they write.

So why bother? Why go to all the trouble of seeking out someone who you dislike, and who was so terrible to you? Are you still 5 years old? Why do you care what I have to say on some website?

Jesus Christ on a bike. Can't you just leave me be?

For someone who pretends to be so perfect and in control, you sure are a strange one.

You said we could be friends. Obviously you didn't mean it. I tried to be civil and friendly. I know we both had a lot of things to get out of our systems. I know I was wrong. But it's been fucking 2 years. If you aren't going to be nice to me, at least you could leave me the fuck alone. I know you think I was the most pathetic miserable piece of shit ever. I know that. The whole world knows that by now. OK? Can we let it go?

I thought I had let you go. I thought things were progressing away from you. It has obviously been harder for me to deal with all of this than it has been for you. Maybe because I had a soul. Maybe I cared more than you did. Whatever. But I have been leaving you alone. And just when I think I have gotten to a point where I can put the past behind me.... I get people alerting me that you are writing shit about me again. I don't need it. But you know what? The thing that bugs me is not that you still talk shit about me. The thing that bugs me is that you are seeking me out on SuicideGirls.

And then you make some big shit about it like I am saying things about you that are untrue. I didn't say it for your benefit. I said it for the people who read this and care about what happens to me. I assumed nobody would read it that knows you, and I was safe to express myself however I wanted.

So you are keeping up with what I write in my journal on a pay-porn website so you have some ammunition to feel like a martyr. Now you have another reason to hate me. You have another reason to think I am an asshole, and tell all of your friends how horrible I am. I had stacks and piles of notes you wrote me that proclaimed how you were so in love with me and I was so perfect and wonderful. Did you mean it then? I bet you did. I really hope you meant it then. And if you did, that means we must have had some good times together. I thought we did. But you don't want to focus on the good times. The good times don't make for good drama. The fact that we were in love doesn't make you a martyr.

I changed my life for you. I did my best. I'm not perfect. Yes, I fucked up. But I tried my hardest to make you happy. I'm sorry that wasn't good enough. But does it entitle you to copy/paste my journal entries out of context for other people to see?

Can't you just live in your little world, and leave me to mine? I have enough things to deal with here in my own little world without having to think about this shit. You know it doesn't feel good to worry about this.

Please, just leave me here, and you go somewhere else.


So from now on, my journal here will be for members only. If you are a member, and you copy things from my journal to pass on to other non-members... You will surely burn in hell. Also, you smell like hot wolf ass.