HOLIDAY EATING TIPS...................
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet
table
knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots,
leave
immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like in single-malt
scotch,
it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't
find
it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has
10,000
calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an
eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me.
Have
two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
gravy.
Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your
mashed
potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk
or
whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports
car
with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your
eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other
people's food for free. Lots of it. Helloooo?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Year's.
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is
the
time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table
while
carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted
Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself
near
them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the
center of
attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them
behind,
you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or,
if
you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have
three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory
celebrators calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some
standards!!!!!!!!!!!!
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party
or
get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread
tips;
start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving
safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly
used
up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet
table
knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots,
leave
immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like in single-malt
scotch,
it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't
find
it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has
10,000
calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an
eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me.
Have
two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
gravy.
Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your
mashed
potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk
or
whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports
car
with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your
eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other
people's food for free. Lots of it. Helloooo?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Year's.
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is
the
time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table
while
carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted
Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself
near
them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the
center of
attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them
behind,
you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or,
if
you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have
three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory
celebrators calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some
standards!!!!!!!!!!!!
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party
or
get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread
tips;
start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving
safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly
used
up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
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The Happiest of Holidays to You, honey...